McCAIN GIVETH, McCAIN TAKETH AWAY (New York Times) Cheers turned to tears at a Republican rally on Thursday, when John McCain did the politically unthinkable -- TWICE! First, the Senator claimed for himself the nomination of his party for President. "With Mr. 9/11, Rudy Giuliani, now searching for a job at 7-Eleven," McCain screamed, "the only candidate standing between me and the nomination is Mitt Romney. And I'm going to hunt down that pompous little weasel and beat the living crap out of him with my bare hands. He's dead meat." As McCain's supporters chanted a deafening 'Yes, yes, yesssssssssssssssss,' the Senator grew somber, quieting the crowd with a palms-down gesture. "And, my friends, as soon as I take care of Romney, I plan to concede the election to either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama." The stunned audience emitted an audible gasp, followed by scores of men and women fainting and throwing up. McCain explained that he "had no intention of becoming the first Presidential candidate in history to receive fewer votes than a white woman or a black man. It just isn't going to happen. I will NOT give them that satisfaction. I have my pride, god-dammit! I didn't spend six years as a POW to be humiliated like this. Now go to your homes and start preparing for 2012. I shall return!"
Republican Party officials will not comment on McCain's actions, but promise to release a statement by Monday.
......has to be writing the one-paragraph descriptions that appear on the the little square envelopes containing Netflix movies. The descriptions must say that the film is good, no matter how atrocious it actually is. Just once I'd like to see a sentence proclaiming that "everyone associated with the making of this piece of cinematic dreck should be smothered in their sleep and fed to wild hogs." Just once.
DODD WITHDRAWS......AGAIN! (Associated Press) Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd re-announced his withdrawal from the Presidential race on Friday. Apparently, no one was paying attention when he announced his withdrawal the first time. Dodd had received only 6 votes in the New Hampshire primary, 2 votes less than Justin Timberlake. Dodd complained that Timberlake had run a smear campaign, portraying the Senator as "a man whose head resembles a cotton puff." "I feel bad for any white man running for President this year," Dodd whined. "Look what they did to Kucinich. The media made him look like a crazy man. Wait a minute, scratch that. He is a crazy man."
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney threw a hand grenade into the Republican primary season on Tuesday, when he threatened to go "Mormon Mad" and marry every attractive white woman in the United States under the age of 48 if he doesn't win his party's nomination. "I'm not kidding," the chiseled candidate proclaimed at a press conference. "I've been faithful to one woman for decades, and if I can't be President, then what the hell? It's time for this good ol' boy to finally take a long ride on the Carnal Carousel of Concupiscence. Yee-hah!" Asked for her reaction, Hillary Clinton chastised Romney for advocating age discrimination. "Don't let my clunky pants suits fool you, Mr. Mitt-Man. Just wail til you see me in my culottes. I'll melt your cuff links."
NORRIS, McCAIN TO SETTLE DISPUTE IN STEEL-CAGE MATCH?
Campaigning for Mike Huckabee on Sunday, actor Chuck Norris said that Sen. John McCain is too old (72) to handle the pressure of being president (no joke). Norris, who suffered numerous kung-fu kicks to the head while starring in the TV series Walker: Texas Ranger, also claimed that Tootsie Rolls were too chewy to be a vegetable and poison ivy was too itchy to be Secretary of State.
SOME BULLETS HAVE YOUR NAME ON THEM, OTHERS DON'T New Haven's first homicide of 2008 on January 17th was "personal" and not random, according to Police Chief Francisco Ortiz, Jr. (no joke). When reporters asked Ortiz if this meant that the victim was less dead than he would have been if the shooting had been random, the Chief responded that he would check. After excusing himself from the press conference for nearly half an hour, Ortiz returned and announced that the victim was, indeed, just as dead as he would have been had a random bullet struck him in the same part of the head that the on-purpose bullet did. "I guess there's a lesson here for all of us," the Chief proclaimed, "if only I could figure out what the hell it was."
PRETZEL LOGIC? Northwest Airlines announced today that the size of its pretzel packages has shrunk to the point where it is no longer possible to insert even a single pretzel into them. Thus, beginning on February 1st, every package will contain a voucher that can be redeemed for a bag of the twisty snack treats once the plane lands. "Problem identified, problem analyzed, problem solved," beamed Northwest President Ned Paflin. "That's the Northwest way."
WHEN I AM KING...... ......no televised sporting event will ever have a pre-game show that lasts more than 15 minutes. The only exception will be the annual Heaven vs. Hell Four-Legged Race, in which God the Father, the Holy Ghost, and Jesus compete against Satan, Hitler, and Dick Cheney. In addition, any TV sports announcer who utters the sentence, "He's a tremendous player but an even better person" will be shot. Immediately. By the player he just described.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Grin will be on hiatus until January 17th, as our team of reporters and fact-checkers travel with the Presidential candidates to the next primary sites. We'll be returning with a truckload of first-person interview late next week!
REPUBLICANS TAKE OFF THE GLOVES, AIM FOR THE CROTCH With the New Hampshire primary just a few hours away, Republican candidates continued to lob hand grenades at each other on Monday. John McCain accused Mitt Romney of being "half-man, half-goat" at a speech at a petting zoo in Derry, while Romney told VFW members in Hanover that McCain had engaged in consensual sex with Jane Fonda when the actress visited McCain's POW camp in North Vietnam. In an address to a 4th-grade class in Montpelier, Mike Huckabee declared that illegal immigrants were "the spawn of Satan," and that Rudy Giuliani had been harboring five of them in the trunk of his car for the past two months. In response, Giuliani explained that two of the individuals in question were his future wives. The class informed Huckabee that he was campaigning in the wrong state.
(Reuters News Service) The Democratic Presidential campaign took an ugly turn today, when third-place finisher Hillary Clinton accused Iowa winner Barack Obama of drowning kittens for sport. Screaming "Cat Killer!!, Cat Killer!!" at Obama as he addressed a rally in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Clinton had to be led away by local police. Later, in a press conference held after her arraignment, Clinton continued to hammer Obama: "Why do we crucify Michael Vick for murdering dogs, but praise Senator Obama for flinging cats into a burlap sack and tossing them in the river? This is racism at its vilest! Why are my fingernails turning green? Where is that ringing sound coming from? Why does everything look so sparkly?" Obama refused to confirm or deny Clinton's allegations, claiming that "Mrs. Clinton is a very desperate, disturbed woman right now, and I have no interest in saying anything that could prolong her tirades. What I do with kittens is my own damn business." Grin wholeheartedly agrees.
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FROZEN ZIPPER PROBLEM Iceland has 25 psychiatrists for every 100,000 citizens, the highest ratio in the world (no joke). When asked to account for this startling statistic, Dr. Froost Stoofen, Director of the Sulfur Springs Mental Health Clinic in Reykjavik, responded, "What is there to explain? The summers here are so cold that the nipples of polar bears freeze over and your ear wax crystallizes. Ever tried having sex when you're wearing a full-body L.L. Bean hooded parka and tundra boots? And I'm not even referring to having sex with somebody else! It's all so damn depressing. You wanna go get a drink?"
(Associated Press) The New Year began with a stern warning to U.S. citizens from the Supreme Being at 12:01 am this morning. In a press conference broadcast live by PBS across the nation, the Holy Ghost advised Americans "not to elect another idiot as President" in 2008. According to the Holy Ghost, "God is not kidding around. The 2000 election was a disaster, and 2004 was even worse. I'm afraid the Almighty Father is going to do something really bad to you guys if you piss Him off again. He's been playing a lot with his meteor-launcher lately."
