"THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES...."

The brief marriage of "Baywatch" actress Pamela Anderson to Rick Salomon was officially annulled last week, according to documents filed in Los Angeles Superior Court (no joke). In a related ruling, New Orleans Federal Judge Wendell Tarp declared that Ms. Anderson's bosom was also "null and void," due to its being composed of 83% silicone. Custody of the bosom was awarded to Trixie Talons, an exotic dancer in Wichita, Kansas, who claimed that Anderson's artificial breasts were in fact hers, having been left to Talons by her paternal great-grandmother, famed saloon chanteuse Tiger Pause.

WALGREEN'S DOES THE RIGHT THING

Walgreen's has agreed to pay $24 million to settle a federal lawsuit charging the company with racial bias. The country's largest drugstore chain claims that it has done nothing wrong (no joke). When asked why they are paying $24 million to settle a case if they are innocent of any wrongdoing, Walgreen's CEO, Henderson Arspey-Trendle, responded, "It's money we had left over from underpaying our female employees for the past 25 years. It just seemed like the right thing to do."

WE DARE YOU TO BARBECUE THIS SUMMER

(Associated Press) A bovine terrorist group, The Cow Underground, has claimed responsibility for the huge explosion yesterday at a meat-packing plant in Booneville, Arkansas. A letter signed by "Udder" and received by The New York Times shortly after the blast contained the one-word declaration of war: "Mooooooooooooooooooo."

HE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF MARRYING YOKO

According to Rolling Stone magazine, Paul McCartney's new single, "All You Need is Love or $48.6 Million," will be released in mid-April.

FINALLY, A MAN THAT NEW YORKERS CAN TRUST

(Associated Press) With New York Governor David Paterson expected to resign later this week due to his recently revealed marital infidelities, the search has been on for a public employee in the Empire State who has not cheated on his or her spouse. The quest ended successfully on Wednesday, when Spencer Braxton, a 62-year-old custodian in the Capitol Building in Albany, was selected as New York's next Governor. During an interview with reporters, Braxton pointed to the front of his pants and proudly proclaimed, "I been married 40 years to Sue Ellen Braxton, and not once have these boys gone wanderin' where they shouldn't be." Indeed, the only blemish on Mr. Braxton' record is a 23-year prison sentence he served for a road-rage triple homicide he committed in 1967. "I paid my debt to society, and now I'm ready to lead," the Governor-to-be asserted. "And the first thing I'm going to do once I'm in office is replace every dirty, worn-out mop in this here state!"

TIGER, TIGER BURNING BRIGHT

Following Tiger Woods' fifth consecutive tour victory on Sunday, PGA President Brian Whitcomb announced the cancellation of the remainder of the 2008 PGA season, including the Masters, the U.S. Open, and the PGA Championship. In a hastily arranged press conference, Whitcomb's voice choked with emotion as he lamented, "What's the use? I mean, what's the f***king use? Tiger is so much better than the rest of us. We're all so depressed. What in the hell am I going to do for a living now? Vijay Singh won't even come out of the bathroom, he's so demoralized. And I found Phil Mickelson sitting naked in a sand trap on Sunday night, crying like a baby. It's a damn shame. It's an honest-to-God damn shame."

WHEN I AM KING......

......the following words and phrases will be banned. Just wanted to alert everyone.

• "Back in the day" ($500 fine. If you are less than 30 years old when you say it, a $750 fine and one month in jail.)
• "The feel-good movie of the summer" (or winter or spring or fall). $100 fine. If you are a professional movie reviewer, a $5,000 fine.
• "No problem" ($250 fine)
• "The lived experience" (A Ph.D. who uses this phrase will be fined $2500. No fine will be levied on non-Ph.D.'s who use this phrase, because I have never heard a non-Ph.D. say "lived experience." Non-Ph.D.'s realize that "lived experience" is the same as "experience.")

These penalties will go into effect 30 days after my coronation. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

.....AND THE SENATE CHOIR WILL SING ONE HELL OF AN "AVE MARIA"

In the wake of the Elliot Spitzer prostitution scandal, a bipartisan Congressional Committee headed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has called for the neutering of all male elected officials in the United States. In an address to the American Veterinary Society in Phoenix on Friday, Pelosi proclaimed that "It is time we looked to the medical community for leadership as we grapple with the plague of Politicus Erectus. If a snip or two at the hot pockets is good enough for my Yorkshire Terrier, then it should be good enough for Ted Kennedy. Let's find out how many of the boys will want to run for office in 2009!"

SPITZER'S FUTURE: IT'S NOT OVER 'TIL IT'S OVER

(Associated Press) On Tuesday the Obama campaign publicly ruled out Elliot Spitzer as a potential running mate for the Illinois Senator. However, a spokesperson for Hillary Clinton said that no decision has been made on whether the disgraced New York governor will remain in consideration for the VP spot on the Clinton ticket. According to a source close to the Senator, "Hillary wants to kick Spitzer's ass all the way to a whorehouse in Bangkok, but Bill is cautioning her not to act too hastily."

NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE, KELLY

In an emotional interview with Barbara Walters on Monday, singer Kelly Rowland responded to harsh criticism of her decision to have breast-enhancement surgery. "I didn't have the procedure done in order to make my bosom look larger," Rowland tearfully explained. "I just wanted to make my shoulders look smaller. Can't people understand that?"

CLINTON DISSES WYOMING?

The Clinton campaign is downplaying the significance of its loss in the Wyoming caucuses. Clinton press secretary Gretchen Phlench noted that "Senator Clinton was not even aware that Wyoming was having a caucus this year. Where is Wyoming, anyway? Isn't that the state where prostitution is legal? Hell, there's no way the Senator would let her husband within 500 miles of that place!"

SORRY, MR. V, YOU'VE GOTTA KEEP LOOKIN'

Michael Vick claims that he has "found Jesus" as a result of his dogfighting-related difficulties (no joke). However, in a public statement yesterday, the Son of God maintains that the former Falcons quarterback is mistaken. "I can assure you that Mr. Vick did not find me. What probably happened was that he ran into Penelope Cruz late in the day, when her hair was down and her five-o'clock shadow was beginning to show. It happens a lot."

THIS IS ABOUT SPORT, NOT TV RATINGS

(Sports Illustrated) In a decision that is certain to generate widespread controversy, the International Olympic Committee announced today that suicide bombing will begin a 3-year trial run as an Olympic event at the 2008 games in China. At a press conference, Committee spokesman Jars Nordson reminded reporters that it is a common practice to introduce experimental competitions into the Olympics. "It is true that suicide bombing creates logistical challenges for Olympic organizers, not the least of which is figuring out how to award medals to individuals who are brought to the podium in a shoe box. But we're not going to let these problems deter us. The goal of uniting countries throughout the world under the Olympic banner of fair, spirited competition is too important to abandon. So we proudly proclaim, 'Let the carnage begin'."