PALIN STEPS UP TO THE PLATE BIG-TIME Sarah Palin provoked both admiration and outrage at a campaign rally in Florida this afternoon when she volunteered to breast-feed the 3-month-old baby of Josephine the Hooker, a 22-year-old convicted prostitute serving time in a Miami jail. "It's not just about Joe the Plumber anymore," Palin screamed. "Gosh darn it, we need to help all those working women out there in America who are going to be in socialist labor camps if Barack Obama is elected. And if my ta-ta's can lend a hand, I'll be prouder than a grizzly bear that scoops up its own poop!"
DANIEL AND PAUL'S EXCELLENT NON-ADVENTURE (Associated Press) Federal officials confirmed yesterday that the plot by two neo-Nazi skinheads to assassinate Presidential candidate Barack Obama had not been fully developed (no joke). "This should not be surprising," an FBI spokesman noted. "According to the IQ tests we administered, one of these gentlemen, Daniel Cowart, has the intelligence of a small plug of ear wax, while the other, Paul Schlesselman, has the mental capacity of a Raisinette. These are not fellows who are going to excel at planning anything more complex than urinating. Isn't it funny that two guys who are so committed to racial purity would probably be the first ones to be shoved head first into a woodchipper if the U.S. ever got serious about eugenics?"
OBAMA, MADONNA LINK MORE THAN A RUMOR According to a copyrighted article in this week's People magazine, Barack Obama has been named as the "third party" in Madonna's impending divorce from Guy Ritchie. A spokesman for the Obama campaign confirmed the report, observing that "Now that the election is a lock for Barack, he's going to start dating white women with a vengeance. This weekend he's taking Nancy Pelosi to see the new James Bond movie, and he'll be spending Thanksgiving with Katie Couric and her kids. Let's face it: Barack's the Man!"
PRESIDENT ORDERS ELECTION DELAY, CITES ECONOMY (Associated Press) President Bush announced on Sunday that he is postponing the November 4th Presidential election until the end of the current economic crisis. "It's not fair to either candidate to hold the election during this volatile time," the President announced from his ranch in Crawford, Texas. "And it would be especially unfair to Sarah Palin, who doesn't have a clue about how the economy works. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about, because I don't have a clue either." The President indicated that the election would probably take place in the summer of 2010. Bush plans to stay in office until the new President assumes his duties in January 2011. "It's the least I can do," he said.
COLIN POWELL VS. GEORGE S. PATTON: WHO'S GOT THE CLOUT? Military superstar Colin Powell's endorsement of Barack Obama for President has not gone unchallenged by the Republican candidate. At a rally in Mobile, Alabama on Sunday morning, John McCain announced that George C. Scott, the gifted actor who won an Oscar for his film portrayal of General George S. Patton, is supporting McCain for the Oval Office. When reporters informed McCain that Scott has been dead since 1999, the Republican bristled and responded through gritted teeth, "My friends, a dead George C. Scott is twice the man that a living Colin Powell could ever be!"
McCAIN RE-BOARDS STRAIGHT-TALK EXPRESS, KILLS INNOCENT MAN (Associated Press) An audience member at Wednesday night's Presidential debate held at Hofstra University suffered a fatal heart attack after hearing John McCain directly answer a question, rather than deliver a rehearsed sound-bite containing the phrase "my friends." Brandon "Tuffy" Fleckmeyer, a 68-year-old retired bricklayer, clutched his chest and keeled over after McCain responded "green" to Bob Schieffer's question, "What is your favorite color?" Fleckmeyer was pronounced dead at the scene by a local veterinarian who had attended the debate with her cat.
GOD FURIOUS WITH GAY MARRIAGE DECISION IN CONNECTICUT The Connecticut Supreme Court ruled on Friday that same-sex couples have the right to marry in that state (no joke). In response, an angry God announced that the world would end on November 1st. "I've had it," an obviously agitated Supreme Being sputtered at a press conference in Venice, where He was vacationing. "I almost torched this planet in 1967, when the U.S. Supreme Court declared that legal restrictions on inter-racial marriages were unconstitutional. Hell, back then I came within an inch of launching a thunderbolt into the heart of a nuclear weapons facility in New Mexico. Somehow I held off. But this decision in Connecticut is just too much. On November 1st the Earth will officially be toast. I'm going to burn this baby down and start all over again on Venus with a bunch of garden slugs that reproduce asexually."
PALIN LINKS BIDEN, BIN LADEN IN SHOCKING ACCUSATION (Reuters) Sarah Palin stunned a crowd of supporters in Ogden, Utah on Friday when she claimed that Joe Biden was actually Osama bin Laden. In response to a question about the war on terror, Palin commented, "Gosh darn it, we have the world's worst terrorist running for Vice President, and nobody seems to give a hoot! You think it's a coincidence that when you erase the letters N, L, and A from 'bin Laden' you end up with 'Biden'? No way by golly. When I saw him up close at the debate, I just knew it was him. You can see where he shaved his beard. And he smells bad, just like those ol' Alaskan grizzly bears I love to shoot. Woo-wee, do they stink! And I betcha you've never seen Joe Biden and Osama bin Laden standin' next to one another. Why is that? It's cuz they're the same person, that's why!"
FOLLOWING DEBATE FIASCO, OBAMA, McCAIN AGREE TO MEET IN GUN DUEL Sparks flew in Tuesday's night town-meeting debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. Responding to Obama's criticism of his voting record, the Republican candidate called Obama "a scum-sucking, ferret-molesting, pistol-whipping hoodlum." The Democrat quickly retorted, characterizing McCain as "a pasty-faced, punk-assed, moose-farting dingleweed." As the two men approached each other with clenched fists, moderator Tom Brokaw stepped between them and was accidentally sucker-punched by a Secret Service agent. At this point the debate was terminated, and a knife fight broke out between the candidates' wives. Michelle Obama accused Cindy McCain of being a "bleached-blond tart with a soul of dry ice," while McCain claimed that Obama was "the raptor bride of Satan."
PALIN CLASHES WITH YOUNGEST SON TRIG, CLAIMS IT DIDN'T HAPPEN (Associated Press) In an embarrassing incident, Trig Palin, the six-month-old son of Sarah Palin, threatened his mother immediately after Thursday's nationally televised Vice-Presidential debate. As Governor Palin stood on the stage holding Trig in her arms, a reporter heard him whisper that "If you pick me up just one more time for a Down's Syndrome photo opportunity during this campaign, I'm going to bite the living hell out of your left breast. It's your choice, toots." Palin denied that her son made the comment, insisting that Trig was simply asking if he could have another Twizzler.
