NORWEGIAN SCIENTIST SOLVES FASHION MYSTERY

"Ass pants," the clothing craze that started in urban ghettos among teenaged males and then spread like a staph infection to middle-class white boys in the suburbs, have long puzzled the scientific community. Ass pants are baggy blue jeans with extra room in the seat, worn below the waist, exposing the wearer's boxer-shorts-covered buttocks.

The question asked by scientists when contemplating ass pants has always been, "WHY?" Why would someone voluntarily wear clothing that gives people the impression that they have the IQ of toenail fungus? Now, thanks to a Norwegian researcher, an answer may be at hand. Torvil Huskon, Distinguished Professor of History at the University of Oslo, has discovered cave drawings of leather garments worn by Viking warriors nearly 1500 years ago that closely resemble ass pants. Apparently, these pants were worn on long marauding and pillaging expeditions in the brutally cold winter months, when lowering one's trousers to relieve oneself could result in frostbite to the buttocks. With ass pants, Vikings could tend to their bowel needs without risk of weather-related injury; you simply "did your business" in your roomy ass pants, and waited until spring to take them off. A smelly solution, to be sure, but a safe one. According to Huskon, the modern innovation of wearing ass pants below the waist originated with the Hanes company, a major manufacturer of boxer shorts. In the words of Hanes spokesman Todd Cofax, "We make good-looking underwear, and dammit, we think people should see it!"

Professor Huskon's research will be published in the October 2008 issue of the prestigious scientific journal, Nature.

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO SOME OF MICHAEL JACKSON

Pop star Michael Jackson celebrated his 50th birthday on Friday. On Sunday his nose will turn 23. In early October his chin will be 19, and on December 4th his left cheek and right buttock will turn 15 and 12, respectively.

HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE PROPOSED THE THONG COMPETITION

ROME - An Italian priest, who had planned an online beauty pageant for nuns, has suspended the project after being pressured by his superiors (no joke).

PBS GOES FOR THE GOLD

(Associated Press) The Public Broadcasting System (PBS) announced on Monday that it will launch a new, for-profit cable television network in 2009. PBS Chairman Spencer Leo said that the TNA network will be devoted to women's beach volleyball, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. "If this venture goes as planned, we will never, never, NEVER have to hold another lame-ass fundraiser for public television in this nation again! Thank God, almighty, we're free at last!"

PAKISTAN WINS THE GOLD

In a surprise victory at the recently concluded Olympics in Beijing, Pakistan took the gold medal in the Suicide Bomber Fatality competition, outkilling both Iraq and Afghanistan by a wide margin. An ecstatic Khohori el Yahib, a member of the Pakistani team, told reporters that "we always knew we could do it. We have the guts, we have the cause, we have the........"
BOOM!!!!!
Funeral arrangements for Yahib and his teammates will be announced on Monday

WILL SHARPTON BE OBAMA'S VP CHOICE?

Amid growing speculation that Barack Obama will name the Reverend Al Sharpton as his running mate later today, Princeton political scientist Quentin Twiffler has labeled the decision a "stroke of genius." Interviewed on ABC's Nightline, Twiffler observed that having Sharpton on the ticket will, by contrast, make Obama look a lot "whiter" to nervous Caucasian voters who are concerned about his race. Simultaneously, Sharpton will attract the lunatic fringe of the political left who are drawn to the Reverend's nut-case political antics. "This would be a slam-dunk win-win for Obama," Twiffler claimed.

IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED, BARACK

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - In a sharp turnaround, Republican John McCain has opened a 5-point lead on Democrat Barack Obama in the U.S. presidential race, according to a Reuters/Zogby poll released today (no joke). In the words of pollster John Zogby, who is McCain's brother-in-law and owes him $17,000, "This race is over. Did you hear me? It's OVAH! We project that McCain will have a double-digit lead by September 1st. And once the news gets out about McCain rescuing a small blind boy named Timmy who fell on the tracks in front of a speeding Amtrak train last week, Obama will undoubtedly concede."

IS THAT RED INK OR BLOOD ON YOUR TERM PAPER, DEAR?

HOUSTON (Reuters) - A Texas school district will let teachers bring guns to class this fall, in what experts say appears to be a first in the United States (no joke). Randall Haskins, Houston's school superintendent, emphasized that teachers will be instructed to "shoot to wound, not to kill." Texas has some of the largest class sizes in the country, averaging over 40 students per classroom in some areas, and it is hoped that the use of firearms will reduce this average to a more manageable number. Only students who are likely to benefit from home-schooling will be shot, according to Haskins. "We want to be fair. Nobody is going to be shot just because a teacher doesn't like them. On the other hand, I would encourage students not to go out of their way to piss off any of our faculty this year. Use some common sense, boys and girls."

WHITES, UNITE! AND WE MEAN THAT LITERALLY

White people will no longer make up a majority of Americans by 2042, according to new government projections (no joke). When informed of this news, former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, a Mormon, volunteered to inseminate every white woman in Utah over the next 5 years. In comments delivered at a hastily called press conference in Salt Lake City, Romney told reporters that he hoped his announcement would spur a nationwide, bipartisan effort on behalf of Caucasian reproduction. "Both Bill Clinton and Elliot Spitzer called me this morning to offer their active support," Romney remarked. "We can turn this trend around. I know we can!"

BUSH TRAVELS TO ATLANTA, PROMISES TO PROTECT GEORGIA

(Associated Press) President George W. Bush, standing in front of Coca-Cola's world headquarters in Atlanta on Monday, used harsh language to condemn Russia for its military intervention in Georgia. "We will not allow Putin and his henchmen to occupy one of our proudest Southern states," Bush announced to a crowd of approximately 75 somewhat puzzled Coca-Cola employees. "U.S. troops are on their way from Savannah at this very moment, and I guarantee you that there will no burning of Atlanta on my watch as President." Scattered applause greeted the President's comments, coming mainly from a small group of crack addicts on their way home from a day-treatment program.

PASS THE KETCHUP!

Chinese police have apologized for roughing up two Japanese journalists who arrived in the Muslim-majority Xinjiang region following an alleged terrorist attack (no joke). "It was all a big mistake," police chief Yo "Buzzcut" Fong told a press conference. "We thought they were Korean. No way this would have happened if we had realized they were Japanese. We are giving both journalists a box of two-dozen frozen panda burgers as an expression of our regret. Eat well, my friends. No burger can beat a panda burger!"

TAKING YOUR MOUSE TO THE COFFIN

After returning from a week and a half in Australia to find my Inbox stuffed with nearly 300 new messages, an anxiety-provoking question occurred to me: Who will answer my emails after I'm dead? I'm thinking of starting an email response service for the deceased. My staff would interview clients intensively while they're alive, and then respond to all their emails, IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY THEY WOULD HAVE, after they're gone. This would give people one less thing to worry about as they "journey toward the light." You could purchase up to five years of post-death email coverage. I'm still searching for a name for my company: "Flatline Express" is a bit cold. But the basic idea is sound, I just know it.