.......adults in the United States will not be allowed to vote if they cannot properly use the words "its" and "it's" in a sentence. Please file this posting for future reference. Thank you.
DON'T EVENTHINK ABOUTHOW YOU MIGHT USE THIS INFORMATION
Chinese scientists have started tricking male pandas into mating with unattractive female pandas by sprinkling the latter with the urine of more comely females (no joke).
There are many things I could say right now, but sometimes, less is more.
ANGELINA JOLIE: BEYOND ADOPTIONS In a press conference today at the Mayo Clinic, actress and human-rights activist Angelina Jolie announced that she will allow doctors to extract stem cells from her bee-stung lips, which will then be implanted in thin-lipped Scandinavian babies from poor families.
The Bush administration has threatened to obtain a court injunction banning the operation, scheduled for June 25th, but First Lady Laura Bush is apparently lobbying her husband not to intervene.
In a related story, tabloid favorite Pamela Anderson has cancelled her appearance next week at the 42nd Annual Small Bosom Convention in Lake Placid, New York, after she was informed by physicians that silicone does not contain stem cells.
According to a Reuters news release, "Lebanon declared victory on Thursday in its 33-day war against an al Qaeda-inspired militant group at a Palestinian refugee camp."
According to a campaign contribution request I received from Rudy Giuliani today, "the Democrats will stop at nothing to regain the White House." Less than five minutes later, I turned on the evening news and learned that Hillary Clinton had kidnapped a 3-month-old Republican baby and was standing on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, threatening to toss the innocent tot into the swirling waters below if the GOP failed to support her candidacy.
Wow. I had noidea the Democrats were doing things like this.
The mailman also delivered a fundraising letter from Mitt Romney. The envelope contained a group photo of the Romney family, all 20of them! (No joke). I don't know about you, but whenever I see that many white people approaching me as I walk down the street, I cross over to the other side.
I'm sorry, Mitt, but your relatives scare me. I know it's wrong to feel that way, but I just can't help it.
Following the airing of the final episode of The Sopranos Sunday night on HBO, God the Almighty announced plans to shut down his long-running series Earth after the 2008 elections in the United States.
"I've pretty much run out of creative plot lines for this show," God announced to reporters in a late evening press conference held at the Celestial Palace in Heaven's North Wing. "I'm not sure how it's all going to end, but there will be a few surprises, I can tell you that."
According to sources who've seen drafts of scripts for the show's final season, we can expect to see global warming, North Korea, and the election of Jeb Bush as President playing major roles in Earthcoming to an end.
Following an exhaustive search, investigators have confirmed the identities of the three individuals who have been watching the televised broadcasts of the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup championship series between the Ottawa Senators and Anaheim Ducks. They are Winston, Patricia, and Skippy "Little W" Fwandeen of Cedar Falls, Iowa. When informed that they were the only Stanley Cup viewers in the United States, Winston and Patricia nodded and spit. Skippy, a restless 7-year-old, whispered to reporters, "Get me the hell out of here. Mom makes me wear my underpants over my head when I go to school."
The U.S. Department of Agriculture has replaced the word "hunger" with the phrase "very low food security" in its latest annual report (no joke). The reason, according to a USDA sociologist, is that "hunger" is not a scientifically quantifiable term.
Following suit, the National Institutes of Health will no longer use the word "horny" in its publications to describe sexual arousal. Instead, the phrase "loins carbonation" will be employed.
In recent months the Subway sandwich chain has introduced an in-store radio network in its restaurants around the country (no joke). According to Dennis Clabby, a Subway representative, "sound plays a critical role in the emotion and atmosphere that our customers feel when they dine at at Subway restaurants" (once again, no joke).
The playlist includes such favorites as "Brown Lettuce Boogie," "I'm-Not-Smilin'-'Cause-I-Hate-Workin'-Here Blues," "I'm Puttin' Last Week's Steak on This Week's Roll, Hot Mama," and "Git-Dat-Damn-Ground-Glass-Outta-My-Tuna-Fish-Sub Rag."
