LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR, GOD ADVISES 57% of Americans believe that God's intervention could save a family member's life even if physicians judged treatment to be futile, according to a recent survey (no joke). In a follow-up interview, God asserted that He had not used divine intervention in such a fashion in the United States since August 1974. "A 93-year-old devout Catholic woman accidentally swallowed her rosary beads, and I felt bad for her," God observed. "But two days after I cure her, she trips over a neighbor's cat and falls down three flights of stairs in her apartment building. That was all she wrote. Not a damn thing I could do. What a mess that was."
HOW MANY CLOWNS CAN YOU STUFF INTO A VW BEETLE? Fewer than 20 percent of U.S. clinics follow professional guidelines on how many embryos should be used for younger women, according to a recent report (no joke). The worst offender is Buckets O' Babies in Amarillo, Texas, which uses current gas prices to gauge the number of embryos implanted. "If unleaded is running $2.25 a gallon, then we insert 225 embryos during a routine procedure," B-O-B President Dexter Farnworthy commented. "It works for us, and our clients have never complained."
A-ROD VS. THE HOLOCAUST: AND THE WINNER IS..... The International Council on Crimes Against Humanity, based in Geneva, has revised its list of the 10 most horrific evils in the history of the human race. Replacing the Holocaust in the # 1 position is the use of steroids by baseball star Alex Rodriguez in the 1990s. Moving into the # 2 slot is the smoking of marijuana by Olympic champion Michael Phelps last November. The Holocaust is now ranked # 3, and the deaths of 1.7 million Cambodians during the regime of Pol Pot has dropped to # 4. In a statement to the press, Council spokesman Bjorn Gurtlesen noted that "the Holocaust had a nice run at # 1 [over 60 years], but the damage that Mr. Rodriguez has done to idol-worshipping boys all over the world is incalculable. Ditto that for Mr. Phelps."
OBAMA ADMITS STEROID USE, GIVES GOOD REASON President Barack Obama stunned reporters on Monday, admitting during his press conference that he took steroids while campaigning in the 2008 New Hampshire primary. "I'm ashamed of myself," the contrite Leader of the Free World proclaimed. "But damn, you try getting your ass outta bed at 4:30 am in Nashua, New Hampshire when the temperature outside is minus-twelve-degrees Fahrenheit. It ain't easy, bro." Obama indicated that he obtained the banned substance at a Christmas party held by Alex Rodriguez and Madonna in honor of her navel ring.
LATEST SHOCKER: STEROIDS THE LEAST OF A-ROD'S PROBLEMS Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse for Yankees third baseman and steroid user Alex Rodriguez, they did. Police records reveal that when the superstar played for the Texas Rangers, he was arrested twice for attempting to suck the blood out of newborns in a Dallas maternity ward. According to Texas Attorney General Theodore "Ted" Talbot, Rodriguez claimed that baby fluids made him "strong like a bull."
SHOOT THEM BEFORE THEY KILL YOU Researchers in Sweden have found that workers with inconsiderate and uncommunicative bosses are 60% more likely to have heart attacks or other serious heart conditions than workers with more supportive bosses (no joke).
Olympic superstar Michael Phelps has confirmed the authenticity of a photo showing him smoking marijuana last year, stating that "I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again" (no joke). When asked by reporters to elaborate on his promise, Phelps avowed, "I will never let myself be photographed again while I'm smoking pot, snorting coke, injecting heroin, or doing ecstasy. I've learned my lesson."
