SUICIDE BOMBING NOT ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE, STUDY FINDS

Only 14% of suicide bombers go to heaven, according to a study recently completed by the International Academy of Afterlife Science (IAAS). The vast majority, 81%, end up in the deepest recesses of hell, where they burn and blister for all eternity. "Most of these folks spent their entire day screaming," reports Charles Rangeworth, Ph.D., a Princeton theologian who directed the research. "It's pretty grim." The fate of the remaining 5% of the bombers is unaccounted for, "but our preliminary data indicate that they may be reincarnated as sea sponges," Rangeworth reports.

BELICHICK'S DISEASE THROWS YALE COACH FOR A LOSS

Physicians at Yale-New Haven Hospital are optimistic that Yale football coach Tom Williams will recover fully from a serious of Belichick's Disease. In the closing minutes of the annual Harvard-Yale game on Saturday, with Yale leading 10-7, Williams called for a fake punt on 4th and 22 with the ball on Yale's 25-yard line. The play failed, and Harvard proceeded to march down the short field and score, winning the game 14-10. Belichick's Disease, which causes coaches to make mind-numbingly stupid decisions, is highly contagious. Doctors suspect that Williams contracted the illness earlier in the week, when he shook hands with New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick during an interview show at ESPN studios in Connecticut. According to Williams, "After we shook hands I rubbed my right eye because it was itchy, and that's probably how I got the infection. Within two hours I was feeling incredibly dumb. Later that night, I tried to take a shower with my clothes on, because I thought I could do it quickly enough so they wouldn't get wet. The bottom line is that I should not have coached on Saturday. I apologize to my players and to Yale alumni everywhere."

RESEARCHERS SUSPECT THAT THE KING OF POP ACCOUNTED FOR OVER 80% OF THE COLLECTIVE IQ OF THE JACKSON SIX

Michael Jackson's brothers -- Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Randy, and Jackie -- will appear in a reality series debuting on the A&E network in December (no joke). The first episode, entitled "Tito, Explain to Me Why Anyone Would be Dumb Enough to Watch This?" will focus on the reaction of the Jackson parents when they learn of the brothers' plan to film a reality series.

ARE YOU AWARE......

......that there is a National Genital Integrity Awareness Week? No joke. Go ahead and Google the phrase and see what happens.

It 7:40 pm on Sunday night. Do you know where YOUR private parts are?