According to a CIA report that will be released next week, the reason that al-Qaeda harbors a deep and abiding hatred for the United States has nothing to do with fundamentalist religious ideology or the corrosive influence of unfettered Western capitalism.
The source of antipathy is a vowel.
As stated in the report's Executive Summary, "members of al-Qaeda apparently believe that the U.S. is responsible for the fact that a 'U' does not follow the 'Q' in 'al-Qaeda'." The report quotes a highly placed al-Qaeda official, who claims that "We used to be al-Quaeda, but now we're al-Qaeda. 'al-ky-duh' -- that sounds really stupid; 'al-quay-duh' has dignity. Even my own people make fun of 'al-Qaeda'. It's humiliating. And look at the United States, flaunting its big, fat 'U' right in our faces, just like a porn-movie star strutting around with his fly open at a eunuchs' convention. The U.S. stole our 'U' and we want it back! Do not trifle with us! Give us our vowel, you Emissaries of Satan!"
Anonymous sources in the Pentagon claim that renowned linguist Noam Chomsky has agreed to serve as a mediator between the U.S. and al-Qaeda in the dispute. According to Professor Chomsky, "We should be able to find enough vowels to satisfy everybody."
Yes, I know. It's been over a week since Grin last appeared. There are very good reasons for this, but they cannot be shared with the public at the moment. However, what I can say is that the reasons have nothing to do with a recent Pentagon report indicating that suicide bombers in Iraq are planning to go on strike in late August if their demands are not met for an increase in the number of vestal virgins who minister to them in the afterlife. In the words of 21-year-old Sumazzi el Pahchazzi-O'Brien, "I have strong, urgent man-needs. 72 virgins are nothing to me! I am like a blue whale eating brine shrimp at a wedding reception. I need hundreds and hundreds and even more hundreds, and I will blow up myself for nothing less!"
In a communique received this evening by the New York Times, a group identifying itself as the Canine Underground took credit for the contaminated pet food that found its way onto grocery store shelves around the country in recent weeks. In the letter, the Underground's Supreme Minister of Information ("Sparky") indicates that the contamination was carried out to "send a message to all humans that the dog community is tired of eating the crap you have been serving us for the past 50 years." The communique goes on to say, "Have you ever taken a close look at what you put in our dog dish? For the love of Lassie, the stuff oozing out of that can is absolutely putrid! Be honest: Would you consider serving even a teaspoon of that crud to your family? Of course not. Our mission is simple: To eat what you eat. We demand cuisine equality. And to achieve that goal, the Canine Underground will use whatever means it deems necessary."
Turn your back on your bichon at your own risk. This is war.
With CBS's firing of radio host Don Imus earlier today, experts anticipate that racial conflict in the United States will be eliminated by late Sunday evening, April 16th. And according to Harvard sociologist Gaddings O'Malley, "the removal of Mr. Imus is likely to initiate a chain of events that will erase the income gap between blacks and whites in the U.S. by the beginning of July. It really is quite incredible."
IRAQ: ONE STEP FORWARD, ONE STEP......WATCH OUT!!!!
Roadside bombings in Iraq have decreased 80% during the past month, the Pentagon announced today. This stunning reduction is the result of a unique collaboration between Iraq's Department of Public Works and the U.S. Army. As Major General Stanley "Sidewinder" Slawson explained at an afternoon press conference, "You can use only a roadside bomb in places where there's a roadside. Well, we've managed to re-pave 90% of the highways in Iraq, widening the lanes so that they extend all the way to the front steps of buildings on either side of the road. Now there's no roadside left for those maniacs to hide their bombs. Hah! Take that, you fuse fiends!"
An unfortunate side effect of the program (Operation Sidestep) is that the number of pedestrians killed by automobiles as they leave their houses in the morning to go to work has increased by a whopping 823%. "We call this 'collateral damage'," General Slawson observed, "and it's a damn shame. Most of those poor folks took one step out their front door and Whammo, before you could say 'You want grits with that?' they were flattened like a flapjack under a sumo wrestler's butt. Rest assured that we're working on the problem, but let's face facts: nobody ever said war was pretty."
Iranian officials confirmed today that diplomacy played no role in their decision to release the British sailors accused of trespassing their nation's boundaries.
Rather, it was all about cuisine.
According to Iranian Minister of Culture Fasad Gasid Hassood, the sailors had received permission to prepare their own meals while being held in captivity. "The fish and chips were fine," Hassood observed, "but things went downhill from there. Those awful, awful scones! They were as dry and tasteless as the hump hair on a dead camel! And the steak-and-kidney pie! Merciful Allah! I can't believe they put that excrement in their mouths! Don't let their accents fool you -- these people are savages! We had to release them. The guards were getting sick just looking at them eat!"
Representatives of the British negotiating team chose not to comment.
WILL "THE HISTORY OF BRAZILIAN ARCHITECTURE" LURE COREY BACK TO MARCH MADNESS IN 2008?
In the aftermath of his team's second straight NCAA men's basketball championship, Florida guard Corey Brewer exclaimed, "This is what we came back to school for. This is what we're all about at the University of Florida, winning championships."
Of course, there's also that elective course in 18th Century Norwegian Literature that Corey desperately wanted to take this year.
Several months ago TIME magazine reported survey results indicating that 75% of all Americans "believe their family will get into heaven." Today, in a press conference held by the Celestial Public Information Office (the official news agency of Heaven), Earth Liaison and Archangel Beatifica Weiss noted that the true percentage of "heavenly ascensions" has been well below 75% in the United States for at least the past decade. For example, just under 40% of all American families whose last member died in 2006 actually went to heaven. This is a steep drop from the all-time of 83%, achieved in 1957.
According to Archangel Weiss, "Research suggests that the main reason for the sharp decline in recent years has been Internet pornography addiction among white males. Indeed, the number of white males going to heaven in the past three years has been so small as to be almost statistically insignificant. In 2006, for instance, only 17 deceased white men attained Everlasting Happiness, and 15 of those had to spend extensive time to Purgatory. Only two were able to use the Express Lane. The day is fast approaching when Divine Affirmative Action may be necessary on behalf of the White American Man."
A side effect of these developments has been serious overcrowding in Hell. Many of the Eternally Damned are now sent to maximum security prisons in West Virginia. Some of these individuals escape and run for political office.
