GATES-CROWLEY SUMMIT THREATENED BY BEER BIAS Plans for the beer-drinking date involving President Barack Obama, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, and Cambridge police sergeant James Crowley are in limbo today, after the brand preferences of Gates and Crowley ignited new charges of racism. Gates reported that his favorite brew is Pabst Blue Ribbon Honky-Ass-Kicking Ale, while Crowley said that he's "always had a taste for Aryan Brothers Malt Liquor. It's clean, it's pure, and its foam is all-white, brother!" The White House indicated that the President will probably choose a neutral brand for all three men to consume. "We're thinking Budweiser," according to an informed source within the Administration. "It tastes like lighter fluid mixed with dog urine, but it's a safe choice race-wise."
SONIA HITS NOTHING BUT NET At her Senate confirmation hearing on Tuesday, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor clarified her controversial 2001 statement about Hispanic wisdom. "I did NOT claim that a wise Latina woman would reach a better conclusion than a white male, " Sotomayor asserted. "What I said was that a dumb-ass Latina 15-year-old could out-think George Bush." Republican Senator Lindsey Graham thanked Sotomayor for the clarification, noting that, "Darlin', you'll get no argument from me."
OBAMA TO BENEDICT: "IN YOUR FACE!!!" Vatican sources revealed today that Pope Benedict XVI suffered a separated shoulder when Barack Obama executed a reverse slam-dunk over the hapless Pontiff during a one-on-one basketball game during the President's visit to Rome last week. Benedict finished the game despite the injury, losing 30-4. Cardinal Silvatore Pannini, speaking for the Vatican, noted that while Obama played in gym shorts and a tee shirt, the Pope was dressed in the same bulky vestments he typically wears when celebrating High Mass on Easter Sunday. "The Holy Father had no chance," Pannini observed. "In that outfit he had on, our beloved Benedict was sweating like a 300-pound grandmother laboring over a hot stove on the 10th floor of an un-air-conditioned apartment in Naples. It's a miracle he didn't die."
SHE WANTS YOU BACK, MICHAEL Thousands of fans of the King of Pop rioted inside the Staples Center in Los Angeles on Tuesday, when Michael Jackson failed to perform. "I know he's dead," complained 18-year-old Tiffany Barlow as she set fire to her seat cushion, "but I really, REALLY wanted to hear him sing 'Billie Jean'. It's the coolest song ever. I don't see why he couldn't just come back to life like Elvis Presley did." Tiffany will be a freshman at UCLA in the fall, majoring in crystals.
WALMART CLEARED IN STORE DEATH Last November a Walmart employee in New York was trampled to death by frenzied shoppers on the day after Thanksgiving (no joke). The results of a six-month investigation of the fatal accident were announced on Saturday, with police detectives concluding that a "Buy-One, Get-One-Free" sale on 75-inch plasma TVs generated a "perfect storm" of customer mania that storeworkers were powerless to control. "It was just one of those things," claimed police spokesman Patrick Tisdale. "It wasn't anybody's fault. How often in life do you get a chance to legally snatch up a free plasma TV? The employee tried to get out of the way, but slipped on an open bag of Gummi Bears that had fallen on the floor. Sometimes, people die and you simply have to shake your head and move on."
