DECISION BY GOD EXPECTED TO INCREASE BOWLING, MINIATURE GOLF REVENUE
The Supreme Being plans to remove all pleasure from the human sexual act by the end of 2011, according to informed sources. In the words of one unnamed archangel, "The spate of recent sexual scandals involving prominent politicians, as well as all the controversy over gay marriage, has caused God to throw up His hands and say, 'ENOUGH.' Sex is just not worth all the trouble it causes." Beginning in 2012, engaging in intercourse or its variants will be about as pleasurable as brushing one's teeth. This decision is widely seen as victory for Catholic lobbyists, who for centuries have claimed that the only justification for sexual relations is reproduction. Manufacturers of products for erectile dysfunction are expected to be especially hard hit by the elimination of sexual enjoyment. "Thousands of jobs are at stake," laments Pfizer CEO Charles "Corky" Thompson. "It's just not fair. No guy's going to pay a lot of money to load his gun if it's no fun to shoot it."
Miss Venezuela has won the 2009 Miss Universe crown for the 2nd year in a row and the 6th time since the pageant's creation (no joke). Immediately following the competition, Miss Uranus, who finished dead last for the 14th consecutive year, announced that her planet would no longer participate in the pageant. "It's just not fair," Wendy Tpxztl claimed. "Every year we send the most beautiful anus on our planet to Earth, at great expense to all Ur-anuses. And every year we are humiliated and subjected to cruel jokes by the other contestants and judges. Quite frankly, we've had enough."
WAL-MART TAKES A STAND: USE YOUR OWN BAT, DAMMIT! In New Haven on Tuesday, a Wal-Mart employee who had been reprimanded for poor performance grabbed a baseball bat and repeatedly hit an assistant manager, injuring him seriously (no joke). According to the store's general manager, Fred Stimson, it is likely that the employee's actions will have a negative impact on his next performance appraisal. "His overall rating is probably going to drop from 'Needs Improvement' to 'Poor'. It's one thing to spit at your supervisor, or even urinate on him, but it's something else entirely to assault your boss in a way that could render the item that was used as a weapon unsuitable for sale. Such behavior is unacceptable."
FAILURE TO NUKE BEANTOWN SOURED BUSH-CHENEY FRIENDSHIP Dick Cheney believes President George W. Bush gradually turned away from his advice during their second term in the White House (no joke). When asked by reporters to comment, Bush said that Cheney's assertion was correct. "In early 2005 Dick urged me to stage a surprise nuclear attack on Boston, which he claimed was home to more liberals and homosexuals than any other city on the East Coast. I declined. Boston is also the home of an American League Baseball franchise, and as a former owner of the Texas Rangers, I just couldn't do it. Fenway Park is a jewel, and we could never figure out a way to incinerate Kenmore Square while sparing Fenway. In any event, Dick then recommended that I start wearing Victoria's Secret panties because I was a 'girly man'. Our relationship was never the same after that."
THE SANFORDS: A COUNTRY'S CHARM, A WIFE'S DEVOTION
The wife of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford moved out of the official governor's residence on Friday (no joke). "I will be relocating to Argentina," Jenny Sanford told a group of reporters. "Mark assures me that the only reason he's been playing "poke the possum" with his skank mistress is that he has fallen in love with Argentina. He says that it's an absolutely beautiful country, and he can't resist it. That's why he keeps going back. If I get an apartment there, he promises to stay with me rather than with Ms. Cootie Pants when he travels to South America. I really do think we can rebuild our relationship."
The Federal government's Cash For Clunkers program requires car dealerships to destroy the engine of the trade-in vehicle (no joke). On Wednesday, thousands of Pro-Life demonstrators stormed the Capitol Building in Washington, DC to protest this provision. "Taking the life of an automobile engine that can still run is no different than smothering a kitten with a pillow," screamed Gretchen Matthewson, a 24-year-old mother of 8 from Scratch-n-Sniff, Oklahoma, as she was dragged away by police. "Today it's your Chevy Blazer. Tomorrow it could be your Grandma Tess, just because she's old." When Ms. Matthewson was reminded that she had in fact shot her Grandma Tess with a hunting rifle for exactly that reason, she quickly responded, "That was my decision, you f@#$%^king communist, not the government's."
FIRST DAVID ORTIZ, NOW JESUS CHRIST? On the heels of news that beloved Boston Red Sox slugger David "Big Papi" Ortiz tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, the Washington Post reported today that Jesus Christ's resurrection from the dead over 2000 years ago was almost certainly aided by steroids. "All the evidence points to the conclusion that Jesus was a major steroid user," according to Dr. Stanley K. Fenton, Professor of Religious Studies and Pharmacology at Union Theological Seminary. "Paintings of Jesus as a young man depict an individual of slender build with thin arms. However, renderings of the furious Christ evicting money-changers from the temple clearly show Him with well-developed biceps glistening like varnished battleship cables. This is about the time when we suspect that he began taking steroids, and the temple incident was probably his first episode of 'roid rage." The Vatican declined to comment, except to note that steroids were not illegal during Christ's stay on earth. "All of His records will stay intact," asserted Papal record-keeper Cardinal Giuseppe Abondanza.
