BASEBALL DEATH ALONG THE POTOMAC In England, there is debate over whether it should be a crime to help seriously ill individuals travel to Switzerland, where assisted suicide is legal (no joke). A mirror image of that controversy is playing itself out in Major League Baseball, where it has been argued that no franchise should have the right to trade a player to the wretched Washington Nationals. As one anonymous infielder on the San Diego Padres recently told a reporter, "I'd rather be disemboweled than be sent to that hell-hole of a team."
OBAMA WILL SHIFT FROM CO-PAYS TO TD'S Sources close to the Obama administration reveal that the President plans to abandon efforts to achieve comprehensive health care reform during his first term in office, and will focus instead on pressuring the NCAA to establish a playoff system for Division I football, so that an undisputed national champion can be crowned every year. "We want to devote our attention to a task that's actually do-able. That's why we've switched gears," one source commented.
The White House has not commented on an Associated Press report that a Secret Service microphone attached to the inside pocket of Barack Obama's suit recorded the President muttering "You Suck" under his breath immediately after Congressman Joe Wilson yelled "You Lie" during Obama's address to Congress on Wednesday night. Nancy Pelosi, seated immediately behind the President, said that she was listening to Meat Loaf on her ipod throughout the speech, and thus heard nothing. Vice President Joe Biden, seated next to Pelosi, claimed that he was distracted by a daydream about Kate Winslet during the address, and thus could neither confirm nor deny the AP report. "But just for the record," Biden noted, "Joe Wilson does suck -- and he also bites the big one."
THE HIDDEN TOLL OF CIGARETTE TAXES On October 1st the state tax on a pack of cigarettes in Connecticut will rise from $2 to $3 (no joke), and smokers are expressing their outrage. Carla Lassiter, a 34-year-old mother of three, is serving the final month of a 6-year prison sentence at York Correctional Institution for trading her newborn daughter for a carton of Marlboro Lights in 2002. "This totally SUCKS," Lassiter told reporters at a news conference on Saturday. "Here I am, about to get out of this pit, and they pass a law that guarantees I'll be back within a year. I ain't got no job, I've gotta smoke, and all I have left to trade is my son Travis, who was born last year here in the joint after I got knocked up in the laundry room by some prison guard who gave me a fake name and said he'd get me on American Idol. I sound just like Tammy Wynette, I swear. Now I'm screwed. I don't deserve this!"
HE WHO LIVES BY THE INTERNET, GOES TO HELL BY THE INTERNET My alma mater, Boston College, maintains an online prayer request service for alumni, who email their intentions to BC's chapel, where they are then conveyed to God (no joke). This service worked exceedingly well until last week, when the BC server crashed and approximately 1400 requests were not delivered. College officials estimate that over 75 souls were not saved as a result of the mishap, including those of 17 dogs, 6 cats, and 1 parrot named "Cheeto."
