GOD TO STEP DOWN; WHO WILL STEP UP? God plans to retire in 2011, according to a Newsweek article published on Monday. In a written statement, the Supreme Being, who has served as Ruler of the Universe since the Creation, indicated a desire to spend more time with His family (wife Yolanda, son Crandor, daughter Phlomenton) at their vacation home in the Maldive Islands. Among those mentioned as possible successors to the Almighty One are Mohammed, Joe Torre, Colin Powell, and She-Ra.
USING THE STREET AS YOUR PERSONAL DUMPSTER IS BIOLOGICALLY DETERMINED, ACCORDING TO STANFORD STUDY Scientists at the Stanford Genome Laboratory have identified the chromosome responsible for littering behavior in humans. Specifically, a mutated gene on the 17th chromosome, labelled the "Trash Allele" by researchers, causes its carriers to toss fast-food wrappers, cartons, and soda cups out of the open windows of their automobiles. According to team leader Dr. Winston Snyder, this allele combines with several others on adjoining chromosomes 16, 18, and 19 to form the notorious "Asshole Constellation."
TENTATIVE TITLE: "YES, I AM SATAN" Former Vice President Dick Cheney has signed a publishing deal for about $2 million to write a memoir of his life in politics (no joke).
The journal Current Biology reports a study in which a cockatoo named Snowball headbobbed and stepped to the rhythm of a Backstreet Boys song (no joke). However, when researchers played a tune by Bjork, the bird vomited, collapsed, and died.
NOTES FROM THE WHITE HOUSE NURSERY More than half the babies born at Kenya's Kisumu Hospital on the day after Barack Obama's election were named Barack or Michelle (no joke). This is similar to what happened in Crawford, Texas following George W. Bush's election in 2004, when three-quarters of all newborns were christened "Spackle-Head."
WELL, WE DIDN'T WANT ALL OUR GAYS TO MOVE TO MAINE AND MASSACHUSETTS! New Hampshire became the sixth state to legalize gay marriage on Wednesday (no joke). Wednesday, one of the most heterosexual days of the week, immediately protested, claiming that Saturday should have been chosen instead, because "it's the queerest day of the week, by far," according to 3:00 pm, Wednesday spokesman.
