YOU'RE STILL THE MAN, JACK Kiefer Sutherland, star of the Fox TV hit 24, was arrested this past Tuesday in West Los Angeles for misdemeanor drunken driving (no joke). As he was being transported to police headquarters, Sutherland assumed the identity of CTU agent Jack Bauer and disarmed the arresting officer. He attached the officer's genitals to the jumper cables of the police cruiser, and forced him to confess to viewing child pornography, voting for George W. Bush in 2000, and kidnapping the Lindbergh baby.
VICK, BONDS, AND JUSTICE IN THE GREEN MOUNTAIN STATE Yesterday afternoon, in Montpelier, Vermont, a jury of 7 men and 5 women convicted Atlanta Falcons quarterback and dog fancier Michael Vick of being "a hellacious jerk and a raging a-hole." When reporters asked presiding judge Quentin Cafferty to explain what jurisdiction his court had over the Vick case, he responded, "The jury had some free time after it found Bobby Bonds guilty this morning of being a petulant whiny-boy with a drug problem. You got a problem with that?" None at all, Judge Cafferty, none at all.
DON'T BLAME ME, LITTLE ROCK; I'M JUST REPORTING THE NEWS
In Utah, polygamist Warren Jeffs was convicted yesterday of forcing a 14-year-old girl to marry her 19-year-old cousin. In a related story, police arrested approximately 73% of the population of Arkansas last night.
In 2008 the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, a Major League baseball team, will change its name to the Tampa Bay Rays (no joke). Am I the only one who is outraged by this blatant act of discrimination against those who reside in hell? Can't these lost souls have at least one Major League club to root for? Isn't it enough that they're experiencing damnation for all eternity? As Satan wrote on the Op-Ed page of the New York Times on Sunday, "This is a slap in the face to anyone who ever committed a mortal sin and then died before having a chance to repent. That's about 30% of our population down here. 23 hours a day, 365 days a year, these folks are being slowly charred to their bone marrow over the open flame of one of six bottomless pits in Dante's Inferno. Is it too much to ask that they have a team other the Duke Blue Devils that they can support? A team they can TiVo and watch during their one hour of R&R each day? For the love of Hades, cut these poor bastards some slack!" Well put, Satan, well put. I don't see the Los Angeles Angels changing their name. Where is the justice in all this?
WHEN I AM KING...... ......the manager of any movie theater that charges $4.75 for a small bag of popcorn will be shot. If that sounds a bit harsh, too bad. I've had it.
URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: FISH-IN-A-BARREL RULE INVOKED IN O. J. SIMPSON CASE The International Humor Association has invoked the Fish-in-a-Barrel Rule in the case of O. J. Simpson's latest brush with the law. No jokes concerning Mr. Simpson will be permitted for the next 30 days. To partially compensate for this withdrawal of comedic material, aspiring humorists will be allowed to make fun of ugly people for the next two weeks.
BELICHICK SENTENCED TO DEATH; WEISS CONDEMNED TO HELL The other shoe dropped on New England Patriots' coach Bill Belichick late Saturday night, when NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that Belichick would be executed after the end of the regular season for the crime of spying on opposing teams. "The era of slap-on-the-wrist penalties for serious offenses is over in the NFL," Goodell proclaimed. "Mr. Belichick's arms and legs will be covered with New England deer ticks carrying Lyme Disease, and he will not be treated for any subsequent infections. Just as the Patriots' coach disabled the defenses of his opponents through illicit means, his own immune system will now be rendered powerless." In a related development, the Vatican has revealed that Charlie Weiss, coach of the winless Notre Dame Fighting Irish, will go to hell when he dies. "Losing to Michigan by a score of 38-0 was the last straw," asserted Papal spokesman Cardinal Flavio "Izzy" Tribeca. When reporters asked if a string of Notre Dame victories could reverse the Vatican's decision, Tribeca responded, "Regrettably, the answer is no. The Pope lost a bundle on the Michigan game, and as we Italians say, he is 'mucho pissidissimo'."
Records released yesterday by the Foxboro, Massachusetts Police Department reveal that New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was arrested in 2001 for cheating in a Scrabble game he played against his daughter Tiffany, who was 7 years old at the time. "It was pretty sad," commented Foxboro Police Chief Timothy O'Leary. "Every time his daughter would get up to go to the bathroom, Mr. Belichick would not only look at her tiles, but he'd exchange some of his tiles for better ones from the bag. And he made Tiffany drink a lot of water during the game, so she had to go to the bathroom a lot. The final score was 362 to 28 in favor of the coach. I just don't understand how someone could do that to his own child." During the trial Belichick testified that his pathological competitiveness was a result of being bitten on his left buttock by a woodchuck when he was 12.
DON'T MAKE ME SWAT YOU ON THE KNEES AGAIN, YOU LITTLE BRAT; EAT YOUR CHICKEN McNUGGETS!!! In an exclusive interview that will appear this Sunday on 60 Minutes, infamous figure skater Tonya Harding reveals that she is the biological mother of troubled pop music star Britney Spears. During the interview, Harding tearfully acknowledges that she was only 11-years-old when Britney was born, and that she "was certainly not the best of mothers. If only I had waited until I was 13 to get pregnant, things might have been a lot different. When I was 11 I was, like, soooooo clueless." The interview, conducted by Mike Wallace, took place while Ms. Harding was going to the bathroom at a truck stop in Enid, Oklahoma.
OSAMA "HOW-YOU-DOIN'?" BIN LADEN MAKES HIS MOVE According to CIA analysts, Osama Bin Laden's latest video is not a secret message to his international terrorist network, but a lame attempt to find a new romantic partner. "It's a dating video, pure and simple," asserts Winsted Stank, a CIA spokesman. "The beard dyed black is the giveaway. Osama has been looking for a new honey ever since he broke up with Yasmina "Trixie" Shawoofwoof back in January, and the purpose of the video is to let Muslim women know that a revitalized, youthful Osama is 'back in play,' as the saying goes. Right now, bombing the U.S. is the last thing on this guy's mind. He's in the market for an entirely different type of action."
FOR THOSE WISHING TO BUY A GIFT, THE HAPPY COUPLE IS REGISTERED AT YOUR LOCAL NIKE OUTLET In a move that the Reverend Al Sharpton has labeled a "crass, transparent, and insulting attempt" to woo African American voters, Democratic Presidential contender Hillary Clinton has announced her engagement to soon-to-be-divorced NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal. According to Ms. Clinton, "My engagement to Shaq has nothing to do with my campaign for President. We're in love; that's all that matters." In a possibly related story, Barack Obama disclosed yesterday that he has been living with Ellen Degeneres for the past three months, a revelation confirmed by her agent. When a reporter reminded Ms. Degeneres that she is gay, the popular comedienne and talk-show host scratched her head and replied, "Oh yeah, I forgot. Never mind."
A PRESIDENT'S GOTTA DO A WHAT A PRESIDENT'S GOTTA DO
In a press conference late Wednesday afternoon, a spokesman for the University of Michigan football team denied that head coach Lloyd Carr will be leaving the school at the end of the week to accept a position as linebacker coach with the Baghdad Bandoliers of the Axis of Evil Football Conference. However, officials acknowledged that, following the Wolverines' stunning loss to Appalachian State last Saturday, the President of the University of Michigan "beat the living %@!# out of Coach Carr with a tree branch."
CHINA LAUNCHES BIGGEST RECALL IN HUMAN HISTORY As if things weren't bad enough already, China's reputation in the manufacturing arena took another hit yesterday when the Chinese government announced that every Chinese baby born between January 1, 2005 and August 16, 2007 is being recalled. According to Public Ministry spokesman Mao "Skippy" Chang-Wow, "It has come to our attention that, due to a defect in the cerebral wiring template of some of these children, there is a possibility that they could score less than 780 on the Quantitative section of the SAT. We plan to check the template of every recalled child, and offer replacement babies when necessary." The babies that are replaced will not be abandoned, but will be sold to MTV and trained as hosts for the network's Spring Break in Cancun series.
