The Canadian women's hockey team has been harshly criticized for drinking alcohol and smoking cigars at center ice after their gold medal victory over the United States on Thursday night (no joke). When International Olympics Committee spokesman Mark Adams was asked why the Bulgarian men's bobsled team was not officially reprimanded after three of its members had sex with a caribou and free-based cocaine in front of women and children at the Vancouver Zoo on Friday, he pointed out that having sex with caribou is not illegal in Canada, and also noted that the Bulgarians had not won a medal.
DEMOCRATS SHIFT FOCUS, PREDICT VICTORY In a press conference on Saturday afternoon, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and his House counterpart, Nancy Pelosi, announced that "health care reform is just too darned hard" and that they were giving up. Reid said that "we are going to refocus our efforts on getting speed bumps installed in the parking lot of a Veterans Administration hospital in Topeka, Kansas. That's something we might actually be able to accomplish." Republican Senators and Representatives pledged to fight the speed-bump initiative "until we breathe our last breath."
TUNA FISH AND SUPERMARKET JUSTICE Last week at my local grocery store (Stop & Shop) there was a sign above the canned albacore tuna that said, "10 for $10." Always eager for a bargain, I scooped up a bunch of cans and put them in my cart. When I arrived at check-out, I noticed that I only had 8 cans. I informed the cashier that I was going to scurry back to the tuna aisle to get two more cans so I could get my discount. She informed me in a friendly voice, "You don't need to do that unless you really want 10 cans. Each can is $1 this week, no matter how many you buy." When I am king, the sign will say,"$1 per can," and the current marketing director at Stop & Shop will be executed.
HAITIAN CURSE HITS DC The Reverend Pat Robertson revealed this morning that the Haitian community residing in Washington, DC is responsible for the two punishing snowstorms that have battered the area within the past week. "Wherever they go, the pact with the devil the Haitians made many years ago comes back to haunt them," Robertson proclaimed. "God help us if they ever visit Disney World."
In responding with distress to reports that a Chinese woman is having plastic surgery to make herself look more like Jessica Alba, Ms. Alba indicated that looks aren't all that important (no joke). In related comments, she asserted that "down is up" and that pandas give birth to pickles.
IT PROBABLY SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME Self-help guru James Arthur Ray says it was all a tragic accident when his followers began collapsing one by one in a sweat lodge at his retreat, with three of them dying (no joke). Autopsies of the deceased indicate that their deaths were caused by the "massive amount of stupidity that motivated them to enter the sweat lodge in the first place," according to County Coroner Lenwood Tossler. "It's rare to see so much brainlessness concentrated in such a small space," Tossler commented. "They never had a chance."
