McCAIN GIVETH, McCAIN TAKETH AWAY

(New York Times) Cheers turned to tears at a Republican rally on Thursday, when John McCain did the politically unthinkable -- TWICE! First, the Senator claimed for himself the nomination of his party for President. "With Mr. 9/11, Rudy Giuliani, now searching for a job at 7-Eleven," McCain screamed, "the only candidate standing between me and the nomination is Mitt Romney. And I'm going to hunt down that pompous little weasel and beat the living crap out of him with my bare hands. He's dead meat."

As McCain's supporters chanted a deafening 'Yes, yes, yesssssssssssssssss,' the Senator grew somber, quieting the crowd with a palms-down gesture. "And, my friends, as soon as I take care of Romney, I plan to concede the election to either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama." The stunned audience emitted an audible gasp, followed by scores of men and women fainting and throwing up. McCain explained that he "had no intention of becoming the first Presidential candidate in history to receive fewer votes than a white woman or a black man. It just isn't going to happen. I will NOT give them that satisfaction. I have my pride, god-dammit! I didn't spend six years as a POW to be humiliated like this. Now go to your homes and start preparing for 2012. I shall return!"

Republican Party officials will not comment on McCain's actions, but promise to release a statement by Monday.