PRODUCT DIFFERENTIATION RUN AMUCK

Have you noticed how the vitamins aisle in your local pharmacy or grocery store has changed over the past couple of decades? You used to have two choices: One-A-Day Multiple Vitamins or the store brand. Life was simple. Then came One-A-Day for Men and One-A-Day for Women. OK, that was easy enough. However, this was followed by One-A-Day for Seniors ("Just-One-More-Day," sold in single-tablet bottles). Now you can get Memory-Enhancing One-A-Day, Stool-Softening One-A-Day, One-A-Day for Men with an Undescended Testicle ("Where-Is-That-One Today?"), One-A-Day for People with Cats ("Wanna-Purrfect-Day"), One-A-Day for fans of lousy sports teams ("Lose One-A-Day"), and One-A-Day for friends of Vice Presidents ("Pellet-Wound-Healing One-A-Day, with Aloe Vera").

This has got to stop.

THE KING AND YOU

Several months ago, TIME magazine reported that as many as 50,000 virgins "competed to marry Swaziland's King Mswati III, the last absolute monarch in sub-Saharan Africa." What I want to know is, what events did they compete in? "Most Virginal"? "Most Deeply Smoldering"? "Most Deeply Smoldering with a Hint of Mesquite"? "Most Visibly Shocked When Confronted with a Photo of a Man's Willy Wonka"?

Was this competition a Bizarro-World version of "American Idol"? Did the contestants have to sing a medley of show tunes, pop standards, and Motown hits while being examined by gynecologists spouting Simon-Cowell-type barbs? ("Barohu, if you're a virgin, Paris Hilton is a Dominican nun. You're a disgrace to this competition!") Did King Mswati III get to vote? And wouldn't the Miss America pageant, reconceptualized by the Fox network as "American Virgin," help rescue a venerable American institution that has been banished to cable?

Together, we can make this happen.