REPUBLICANS PROCLAIM: "WE HAVE NO SHAME"

In a statement on Saturday that surprised virtually no one, House Minority Leader John Boehner announced that "there is nothing Republicans won't do, and there is nothing we won't say, in the name of sabotaging the Presidency of Barack Obama." When asked by reporters to elaborate, Boehner noted that on Friday he had seen Nancy Pelosi having unprotected sex with Lil' Wayne in the doorway of a crack house in Newark. "And believe me, she was enjoying herself immensely, screaming the Virgin Mary's name like a rutting hyena." Boehner went on to explain why current Republicans are so opposed to Obama. "He stands for everything we despise: civility, data-based conversation, debate informed by logic, respect for the intelligence of the American people, and an obsession with acting 'sane,' whatever the F--K that means. He disgusts me. I think I'm going to puke now."

MASTERS TOURNAMENT GRAPPLES WITH DOUBLE-ENTENDRES

With Tiger Woods returning to the Masters golf tournament in April, CBS is taking special precautions to avoid awkward moments in its broadcast of the event. Thus, commentators have been instructed not to use any of the following terms when describing the action: ball, hole, shaft, stroke, and penis. "It's going to be tough, but we're professionals. We can do this," said veteran sportscaster Jim Nance.

U.S. BLACKS FINALLY SET FOOT ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP

The centuries-long, arduous journey of African-Americans to freedom and equality in the United States reached its destination last week, when The Danbury Mint announced The Michelle Obama Inaugural Doll is now available for only $149 plus $9 shipping and handling (no joke). "This doll is smokin' hot," claims Mint representative Jerrold Martin in a letter to potential purchasers. The letter also indicates that, out of respect for the First Lady, the Mint will cease production of its Strom Thurmond Action Figure by May 1st. "Strom been our best-selling Caucasian item for the past 25 years," Martin noted in a press conference, "but times change, and the Mint must change with them."

MISSISSIPPI LESBIAN LOSES TO SHEEP

In Itawamba County, Mississipi, the school board has canceled a high school senior prom rather than allow lesbian student Constance McMillen to wear a tuxedo and take her girlfriend to the dance (no joke). This decision contrasts sharply with its ruling of a year ago, when Gideon "Skeeter" Waxknuckle was allowed to take a sheep to the dance as his date. In defense of the latter decision, board chairman Floyd Nason noted that the sheep in question was a ewe, not a ram. "And a damn fine lookin' one at that," Nason chuckled.

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, MR. PENN

In an interview that aired on the CBS program "Sunday Morning," Sean Penn said he hopes that critics of his efforts to assist Haiti "die screaming of rectal cancer" (no joke). In a statement released later in the day by God, the Supreme Being indicated that He very rarely grants such requests. "Killing people on demand is a very risky business. And when I do, I almost never use a disease. I prefer single-vehicle car crashes. By the way, I no longer respond to prayers to save lives either. The last time I saved someone was in 1898, when a nice little German woman named Klara Hitler begged me to help her 9-year-old son Adolph recover from the flu. I still lose sleep over that one."

SUICIDE BOMBING SCHEDULE ANNOUNCED FOR 2010

The International Terrorists' Association (ITA) announced Wednesday that spring training for the 2010 Suicide-Bombing season will commence on March 15th. This training period has traditionally been used to test new explosives on innocent civilians. The schedule is as follows:

IRAQ DIVISION

Week of March 15: Tekrit; most likely on a bus: Exploding hair gel

Week of March 22: Basra; open-air market: Shrapnel-laced Peanut M&M dynamite vest

AFGHANISTAN DIVISION

Week of March 29: Kabul; random street corner: Belly-button-based SCUD missile

Week of April 5: Kandahar; wedding reception: Skull-cap-launched chain saw

Discount season tickets are available for those who wish to attend all four bombings. Note: The Kandahar event is "Family Day." For prices and more details, go to Twitter.

MITT TAKES A HIT FOR THE U. S. OF A

In his new book, Mitt Romney says that Barack Obama's efforts as President to reconcile with foreign powers, Muslims, and others have weakened the United States' stature instead of enhancing it (no joke). Speaking with reporters on Tuesday, Romney complained that when he was recently in a Paris airport, an elderly woman encouraged her poodle to urinate on his shoes. "Prior to Obama's election, that dog never would have complied, but this time he did. And then my 8-year-old grandson, who was with me, did the same thing!"