WHEN I AM KING...... Parents who leave soiled, disposable diapers in the parking lot at shopping malls will be summarily executed. If they leave fast-food cartons, cups, and bags next to those diapers, they will be executed again.
Happy New Year to all, except those mentioned above.
It used to be that having a million dollars counted for something in this country.
Not any more.
Some of you may remember the following advertising jingle:
"Chock Full O' Nuts is the heavenly coffee, Better coffee a millionaire's money can't buy."
Well, listen closely the next time you hear that ditty on the radio. Now it goes:
"Chock Full O' Nuts is the heavenly coffee, Better coffee a billionaire's money can't buy."
I'm not joking. This is what they're actually singing.
So, to all you millionaires out there: Get over yourselves. Nobody cares about your pathetic little piles of tens, twenties, and fifties any more, least of all Chock Full O' Nuts. Come back when you've got some real money.
Let's assume that I give you a $50 gift card to the Olive Garden for Christmas, and you give me a $50 gift card to Red Lobster for Christmas.
And then we both lose our gift cards.
Now, neither of us can afford to go out for dinner.
But if we don't exchange gift cards, and I simply call you up and wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and you call me up and wish me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, then both of us can afford to go out for dinner.
Of course, if we don'tlose our gift cards, then both of us can afford to go out for dinner. But that's the same situation we were in beforewe decided to exchange gift cards. Wouldn't it make more sense to just call each other up and say, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and I hope you think warm thoughts of me when you go out for dinner at the Olive Garden"? You get dinner and warm thoughts without the financial risk.
I think it's time to blow the whistle on the gift-card scam. Innocent people are going hungry.
Grin has learned that, early next year, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton will announce her engagement to former Secretary of State Colin Powell. Political analysts are hailing this move as a "master stroke" of Presidential campaign positioning. Polls indicate that 87% of the people who despise Clinton adore Powell, and that 98% of those who adore Clinton also adore Powell. "This is a can't-lose proposition for the Senator," proclaims talking head George Will. "The marriage will solidify her Democratic base, and hijack millions of moderate Republican votes. God almighty, the woman is a genius! Bye-bye, Obama; you're toast!"
When asked for his reaction to this breaking story, Bill Clinton, the Senator's current husband, responded, "Given my track record, I'm in no position to judge my wife's decisions in these matters. I'm still in the doghouse. But I do plan to keep the former Secretary of State in my prayers."
Senator Obama declined to comment, and noted that he and Katie Couric, seen together recently at a New York Knicks game at Madison Square Garden, were "just friends."
Thank-you's go out to Fran and Duncan, who served as fact-checkers for this posting.
A BAD IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS COME..... Have you noticed those huge, inflated, Christmas "blimps" that have started popping up in the front yards of people who should know better? There's Frosty the Snowman, Santa and his reindeer, Snoopy, Mickey Mouse, snowflake globes, and God-knows-what-else. However, the one I can't wait to see is a grotesquely bloated Baby Jesus, tethered to a lawn flamingo, looking like a deranged balloon from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Tomorrow I'm buying a pellet gun, and I'm not taking any prisoners.
PINCH ME, BLANCHE; I THINK I'VE DIED AND GONE TO PIGSKIN HEAVEN
In a move hailed by churchgoers and football fans everywhere, the Vatican and ESPN held a joint press conference in Rome today to announce the following:
Beginning in September of 2007, a limited number of NFL regular-season games will be played at 10:00 am on Sunday mornings and broadcast on the Hail Mary Network, a network only available at Roman Catholic churches throughout the U.S. At these locations a TV screen will be mounted above the altar, enabling viewers to watch the game while attending 10:00 am Mass. The extra-large, plasma-screen TVs are being donated by Circuit City as part of their "God and Country" technology initiative.
"This is a win-win-win agreement," proclaimed Papal Assistant, Cardinal Vincenzo Portabello. "More men will be in the pews on Sunday, which is good for the Church and the men's souls. And every Sunday now becomes an NFL TV quadruple-header, with games at 10:00, 1:00, 4:15, and 8:30. which is great for professional football." Cardinal Portabello, who sported an Indianapolis Colts baseball cap at the press conference, said that the Vatican has awarded the contract for the 10:00 am hot-wings concession to KFC. "KFC has also offered to provide wafers and bread for the communion service," the Cardinal noted, "but we want to evaluate parishioner satisfaction with the hot wings first."
Program Note: "Communion Game Day," hosted by Joe Namath, Lawrence Taylor, and Mel Gibson, will air at 9:00 am on football Sundays.
I've been a college professor for three decades, and I'm often asked how students have changed over the years. The answer is simple:
Today, female students are much more likely to get up in the middle of class to go to the bathroom than they were in 1976.
In a graduate class with 25 students, it's not unusual for 4 or 5 women to make a trip to the ladies' room in the first 90 minutes. This trend has long puzzled me -- and my university colleagues -- until I read an article in the December Scientific American by French urologist Sabine Surfleur. According to Dr. Surfleur, the twin culprits are 7-Eleven and the jeans industry. She writes: "Females are, with increasing frequency, consuming 64-ounce Big Gulp beverages just before coming to class. Many of these women also wear jeans that are incredibly tight in the region of the lower torso. The result is a urination-related 'Perfect Storm'. The bladder attempts to expand in order to accommodate the tsunami of Mountain Dew pouring into it, but the attempt is thwarted by the constricting pressure of the stretched-to-the-ripping- point jeans. The student then experiences an urgent need to engage in what we refer to as an MPE (Major Pee Evacuation), and she rushes out of the classroom. Sometimes she makes it, and, sadly, sometimes she does not. In the latter case the student often does not return to class, but chooses instead to go home. What we have now is, quite frankly, a public health epidemic."
College grades of female students are plummeting in both the United States and Europe. Studies indicate that, at any given moment in a college classroom, up to 45% of the female students are thinking, "I must pee. I have absolutely got to pee!" Most of the rest are thinking, "Let me be your Caribbean Queen, Johnny Depp!"
I'm not sure about Europe, but here in the U.S., I think it's time for our government to take action. Get your head out of Youraq, Mr. President, and do something.
