GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT DANGERS LURK IN HUNGRY-HUNGRY HIPPO

A study published in the Hong Kong Medical Journal indicates that playing mahjong can lead to seizures (no joke). In a related story, it has been reported in Pediatrics that playing the venerable children's game Chutes and Ladders can result in "duck breath."

PRESIDENT WILL LOOK WHERE THE LIGHTS ARE BRIGHTEST

"Obama Rules Out U.S. Troop Raids into Pakistan" to find terrorists, according to an Associated Press headline on Sunday. Instead, President Obama plans to send a SWAT division of 3,000 Marines into the Bonneville Salt Flats in northwestern Utah to search for Al-Qaeda operatives. When asked by reporters why the Salt Flats are being targeted, the President indicated that "there aren't many forests, caves, or mountains in that part of Utah, so it should be pretty easy to flush out any terrorists who are there. Those guys will be toast."

BARACK BRINGS AMERICA TO THE BRINK....AND BEYOND?

"GOP Predicts Doomsday if Obama Budget Passed" (genuine Associated Press headline). Elaborating on this forecast, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch said that Fire Monkeys from Hell would emerge from sewers around the U.S., disemboweling men, ravishing women, devouring babies, and neutering pets. "It would be worse than watching three consecutive episodes of The Daily Show," the Senator warned.

ASK FOR THE BRAND THE POPE SWEARS BY

Pope Benedict XVI asserted on his way to Africa on Tuesday that condoms were not the answer in the continent's fight against HIV (no joke). "They are way too unreliable," the Pontiff claimed. "If you just stare at them they split like a cheap pair of pants. Personally, I recommend sheaths made out of plaster of Paris. Ain't nothin' going to break through those bad boys, you can trust me on that. And no fair asking me how I know," the Holy Father winked at reporters.

SOURCE OF BUSH'S INEFFECTIVENESS REVEALED BY GATES

In a stunning statement on Meet the Press this past Sunday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates claimed that Barack Obama is "somewhat more analytical" than George W. Bush (no joke). During the same interview, Gates asserted that a panda is bigger than a potato, and that it is impossible to tune a piano with one's nipples.

BARBIE'S LOVE CHILD FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGED

Mattel toymakers revealed today that Barbie, the immensely popular doll that turned 50 on Monday, had an out-of-wedlock child with G. I. Joe in 1977. "Barbie was young and naive," explained Mattel spokesman Thad Somerset. "And G. I. Joe was a testosterone-driven sex machine back then. You wouldn't believe what he did to Raggedy Ann at a party in Disneyland in 1974. She's been in treatment ever since for depression and trauma." Barbie's offspring, who is now 32, is male and lives in a Mattel warehouse in Alpharetta, Georgia.

OBAMA: "WE DON'T WANT TO WIN THE WAR AGAINST DRUGS, WE WANT TO WIN THE WAR WITH DRUGS!"

President Barack Obama stunned a roomful of 3rd graders in Topeka, Kansas this afternoon when he announced plans to legalize heroin, cocaine, marijuana and ecstasy in an attempt to jumpstart the U.S. economy. "This move will create tens of thousands of new, legal jobs in the drug industry," Obama told students at Rutherford B. Hayes Elementary School. "From production to sales to treatment of addiction, the drug trade represents an economic stallion that I'm ready to ride, and to ride hard," the President proclaimed. "It's time for dealers and crack heads to pay taxes like the rest of us," Obama insisted. When asked by Timmy Lee Sanderson, one of the 3rd graders, if legalizing drugs would create "lots and lots of new drug addicts who'll pee on the side of our school building," the President responded, "Don't bullshit me, Timmy. I know you do that already."

THE TITLE "I AM AN ANUS" WAS ALREADY TAKEN

Rod Blagojevich, the first U.S. governor in more than 20 years to be removed from office by impeachment, signed a deal Monday to write a book "exposing the dark side of politics" (no joke). The tentative title of the book is "I Am The Dark Side of Politics."