BARACK AND JEREMIAH: THE THRILL IS GONE

Barack Obama has denounced the Reverend Jeremiah Wright for "divisive and destructive" remarks on race, seeking to distance himself from his former pastor (no joke). In a dramatic move on Tuesday, Obama filed a petition for divorce from Wright in family court in Chicago, citing "irreconcilable differences" with the Reverend. "We've just grown apart over the years," the candidate told reporters. "The spark, the romance, the excitement, they're all gone. We don't like to do the same things any more. I still enjoy double dating with white couples, but all Jeremiah wants to do these days is sneak up behind Caucasians with a shovel, beat them over the head until they're unconscious, and then drive over them with his SUV. That's not what I'm about." Obama's eyes reddened as he wistfully observed, "But we'll always have Paris."

SHARPTON THREATENS TO STICK KNITTING NEEDLES INTO THE EYES OF NEW YORKERS

In New York, the Reverend Al Sharpton promised to "close this city down" to protest the acquittals of three police detectives in the 50-shot barrage that killed a groom on his wedding day (no joke). When reporters asked the veteran activist how he planned to accomplish this feat, he said that he was going to have sex with Aretha Franklin in Times Square while the two of them bounced on a trampoline. "I guarantee you that we'll clear the place out in less than three minutes," Sharpton chuckled.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS BE DAMNED: GRIN LOVES A GOOD FIGHT

NEW YORK - Israel's ambassador to the United Nations on Thursday called former President Jimmy Carter "a bigot" for meeting with the leader of the militant Hamas movement in Syria (no joke). In response, Carter called the ambassador "a cuspidor overflowing with steaming monkey poop." Not to be outdone, the ambassador characterized the former President as a "maggot-infested slab of rhinoceros genitalia that has been festering in the putrid left armpit of Yasser Arafat's corpse."

The winner, on points (no knockdowns were recorded): the Israeli ambassador.

POPE BENEDICT GETS SOME "SATISFAKSHUN"

(Associated Press) Pope Benedict XVI stunned a Yankee Stadium crowd of 60,000 on Sunday when he stopped abruptly in the middle of his sermon, twirled three times, and proceeded to gave an a cappella rendition of the Rolling Stones' hit, Jumpin' Jack Flash. Swinging his chasuble over his head with a gusto that would have done Mick Jagger proud, the Pope-ster danced across the stage and then slid to the edge on his knees, screaming "It's a gas, gas, gas" into his hand-held microphone.

Although 14 Catholic nuns from Mount Holly, New Jersey fainted during the performance, the vast majority of the crowd cheered the Pontiff on.

After Mass, a winded Pope Benedict remarked to reporters, "I've always wanted to do that. I'm just sorry I didn't have enough stamina left to close with Let's Spend the Night Together'."

COINCIDENCE -- OR NOT?

The New York Times reports the following:

"The number of waivers granted to Army recruits with criminal backgrounds has grown about 65 percent in the last three years, increasing to 8,129 in 2006 from 4,918 in 2003, Department of Defense records show." (no joke)

Interestingly, this increase correlates strongly with a marked decrease, during the same time period, in the number of fans of professional wrestling arrested for urinating from the upper levels of indoor shopping malls in New Jersey.

OBAMA MAKES NICE WITH PENNSYLVANIANS

(Associated Press) On Sunday, Barack Obama clarified his controversial comment that "it’s not surprising....that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.” In an interview with Tim Russert, Obama indicated that what he intended to say was that these individuals were "reactionary knuckleheads drowning in false consciousness who wouldn't know their true class interest if it sat on their face." Obama expressed hope that this clarification would bring the controversy to a swift conclusion.

BEN HUR GOES OUT WITH A BANG

(Los Angeles) Screen legend Charlton Heston has kept his word. In 2000, the NRA activist vowed that the Clinton Administration could only take away his right to bear arms "from my cold, dead hands." Early this morning, Beverly Hills police revealed that the actor had passed away while gripping his favorite Winchester rifle, "The Frontiersman," in his right hand, with his index finger on the trigger. When mortician Floyd Gustaffson attempted to remove the gun from the rigor-mortis grip of Heston's fingers, the weapon went off, wounding Gustaffson in the shoulder. Gustaffson, a life-long NRA member himself, took the mishap in stride, telling reporters that "it's an honor to be the last man shot by Mr. Heston. I can't wait to have grandchildren, so I can tell them about it."

MAY THE SOUR CREAM BE WITH YOU...

In a press conference on Tuesday, God announced that a new religious group has been formally recognized by the Holy Trinity. "Spudaciens" are followers of Emma Haskins, a Brooklyn housewife who discovered an image of the Nativity scene in the unbroken skin of a baked potato she prepared for her family on Easter Sunday. The scene included Joseph, Mary, the Three Wise Men, and, in the manger, baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez wrapped in swaddling clothes. "I am pleased to welcome this new congregation of the faithful to the diverse community of worshippers around the world," God proclaimed. Celestial experts have placed Spudaciens at the # 46 spot on the Universal Weirdness Scale for Organized Religions, right below Christian Scientists.