REPUBLICANS PROCLAIM: "WE HAVE NO SHAME"

In a statement on Saturday that surprised virtually no one, House Minority Leader John Boehner announced that "there is nothing Republicans won't do, and there is nothing we won't say, in the name of sabotaging the Presidency of Barack Obama." When asked by reporters to elaborate, Boehner noted that on Friday he had seen Nancy Pelosi having unprotected sex with Lil' Wayne in the doorway of a crack house in Newark. "And believe me, she was enjoying herself immensely, screaming the Virgin Mary's name like a rutting hyena." Boehner went on to explain why current Republicans are so opposed to Obama. "He stands for everything we despise: civility, data-based conversation, debate informed by logic, respect for the intelligence of the American people, and an obsession with acting 'sane,' whatever the F--K that means. He disgusts me. I think I'm going to puke now."