TENSION ON FLIGHTS TO BE ALLEVIATED BY LATEST TSA ACTION

Recently installed security procedures resulting from the terrorist incident on a Northwest Airlines flight have been relaxed, government officials report. At the captain's discretion, passengers can once again place blankets on their laps (no joke). Sources close to the Obama administration reveal that intense lobbying by the National Masturbation Coalition played a major role in the decision to ease restrictions.

COULD THE TALIBAN SAVE SAAB?

The Taliban will soon be using Saabs for all of their suicide car bombings, according to sources located deep within the organization. Officials at General Motors could neither confirm nor deny the rumor, but admitted that such an arrangement could save the Saab brand. "We've been hemorrhaging money over the past few years with Saab, " GM spokesman Wendell Tek acknowledged, "and car bombings are a growth industry. We would be fools not to investigate an offer like this. And let's face it, many Saabs blow up on their own anyway. Why not leverage our manufacturing defects into some profits for our shareholders? Those poor people have been to hell and back with us."

RELIGION OF THE YEAR ANNOUNCED; FANS OF MILK CHOCOLATE THRILLED

Buttercupianism has been named Religion of the Year for 2009 by God the Father, the Associated Press reported yesterday. Founded in Idaho in 1988 by retired fly fisherman Dexter Clayborne, the main tenet of Buttercupianism is that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups channel the life force of the Supreme Being. Clayborne's followers reject the notion, dominant in Catholicism, that communion wafers contain the body of Christ. "That's just crazy talk," Clayborne claimed in a recent interview.

ORAL AND ANAL TO BE REUNITED IN A DORITOS AFTERLIFE

TV evangelist Oral Roberts died Tuesday at the age of 91 (no joke). His brother, Anal, passed away three years ago and is resting comfortably in CrazyLand, a section of Hell reserved for those possessed by the fire-breathing spirit of a vengeful Lord drunk on peyote corn chips.

TODD SAYS IT WAS WORTH IT

Cosmopolitan magazine vows to fight a lawsuit filed against the sex-drenched publication on Tuesday by Hazel Bixby, a Minneapolis mother of three who claims that her daughter Arletta exploded as a result of an article that appeared in Cosmo's current issue. According to Bixby, "Arletta and her boyfriend Todd were engaging in the 'Hot Sex' technique called the Bangladesh Mai Tai High Thigh when the intensity of my daughter's climax caused her pelvic region to erupt in a flaming inferno. The bedroom of the apartment was incinerated, and Todd received 2nd-degree burns." Attorneys for the magazine admit that the technique could have indeed caused such a conflagration, but assert there is no evidence indicating that Arletta ever read the article in question.

JUST TO BE SAFE, DON'T BUY THE LEMON FLAVOR

In a strongly worded statement issued on Friday, the Nestle Waters Company of North America unequivocally denied allegations that its signature product, Poland Spring Natural Spring Water, is a mixture of cat urine and ammonia. Fox News had broadcast the accusation on Thursday morning in an interview with "Bobcat Billy," a homeless man temporarily residing in a laundromat dryer in Topeka, Kansas.

VAMPIRE MOVIE GENERATES MEDICAL ALERT

Viewing The Twilight Saga: New Moon could cause brain damage, according to a recent study conducted by scientists at Tulane University. When common field mice were placed in front of a flat-screen TV showing the film, they later displayed clear signs of neurological dysfunction and depression. Lead researcher Winston Claxton noted that 40% of the mice tried to commit suicide by hanging themselves from the light fixtures in their cages, using their own chewed-off tails as nooses. "I've never seen anything quite like it," Claxton exclaimed. "The effort involved in fashioning a workable noose out of a mouse tail is considerable, especially given that mouse paws are not designed to tie knots. These little critters must have really been motivated to kill themselves." Several of the deceased mice left suicide notes, focusing on how totally lame the film was. As one of the rodents put it, "This was the worst f**king movie I've ever seen, and that includes Rambo. I've pooped pellets that can out-act the dipshits in this turdfest."