Grin has learned that on Wednesday afternoon Lewis "Scooter" Libby will be acquitted of all perjury charges against him, but be convicted of having a truly stupid nickname for a grown-up. He will be sentenced to 2 years and 7 months at the Federal Penitentiary in Danbury, CT, where he will share a cell with Robert "Butt Cheeks" Farnsetto, a certified public accountant from Machias, Maine.
Thank you, Gavin and Melody, who served as fact-checkers for this story.
Beginning on March 1st, 2007, anyone who uses the phrase "thinking outside of the box" in my presence will be slapped. It has gotten to the point where one of the surest indicators that an individual is not thinking at all is his or her use of this hackneyed expression. Let's face it: if everyone is thinking outside of the box, then the only place where there's any room left to be creative is inside the box. The landscape surrounding today's boxes is littered with just too much loose conceptual crap, and legions of idiots are sliding around in it. This has got to stop.
Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney stunned an audience of political supporters at a press conference in Vermont yesterday when he announced that he was a black man.
"Barack Obama is not the only African American running for President," Romney said. "I am the son of sharecroppers from a small town in Alabama, and I was adopted by the Romney family when I was just two years old and brought to Detroit, where I grew up."
When a reporter noted that Romney's physical characteristics were decidedly "un-black," the indignant Governor responded, "Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamt of a day when his children would be judged on the basis of the content of their character, not the color of their skin. All I ask of the press is that they show me the same courtesy. I....am.....a.....black.....man!"
According to a Gallup Poll survey, 28% of Americans believe that the Bible is literally true, while 19% believe it is an "ancient book of fables."
Alarmingly, when high-ranking officials in the Bush administration were polled recently on their beliefs concerning the U.S. Constitution, the corresponding figures were 6% and 71%, with the remaining 23% expressing a preference for Old Ironsides.
"SO, AN ASTRONAUT AND A RODEO CLOWN WALK INTO A BAR......"
In a press conference this afternoon in Los Angeles, the National Association of Stand-Up Comedians (NASUC) invoked the "Shooting Fish in a Barrel" rule, which prohibits the telling of any jokes about astronaut Lisa Nowak by NASUC members for at least two weeks.
In the words of NASUC spokesman Alvin "Shecky" Patooshin, "Some things are just too easy. This is one of them. Humorists should be focusing their energies on real comic challenges, like making fun of Barack Obama without offending Al Sharpton or Kanye West."
For the past week, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has been claiming that Presidential candidate Chris Dodd sports a head of hair that is primarily composed of white-mice droppings.
The Rumor Control Center at Grin has thoroughly investigated PETA's accusation, and at this point in time can neither confirm nor disprove its validity. As new evidence comes in, we will keep readers posted.
ARE HILLARY CLINTON AND DOLLY PARTON REALLY THE SAME PERSON? As the Presidential campaign for 2008 revs up, political rumor mills are starting to work overtime. Thus, I am very pleased to announce that Grin is one of only six blogs across the country that have been authorized by the U.S. General Accounting Office to serve as Gossip Control Centers for the election. This is a wonderful tribute to our small but dedicated staff of fact-checkers, who have given Grin a reputation for accuracy that is unparalleled in the industry. If you have a campaign rumor you want Grin to investigate, please contact us.
Now to the Clinton/Parton rumor, which began circulating last week after a report on Fox News noted that Clinton and Parton have never been seen together.
This rumor is FALSE. Hillary Clinton is 5 feet, 6 inches tall. Dolly Parton is only 5 feet tall. Moreover, Senator Clinton has not slept with Bill Clinton since November of 2001, while Ms. Parton......
In the weeks and months to come, Grin will endeavor to make the 2008 Presidential race a contest that is decided on facts, not fabrications. Thank you for your support.
