THE PRESIDENT GETS ONE RIGHT The administration of George W. Bush has been subjected to unrelenting criticism in recent months, but at least one group of scholars begs to differ. At their annual meeting in Chicago last week, the National Society of Psychotic Historians ranked President Bush as the fourth best President in U.S. history. According to Professor C. Dudley Fwacks of Rice University, "President Bush's mistakes in Iraq have been more than compensated for by his willingness to generously fund the Xylon Shield Interceptor Program, which disables the death rays launched toward Earth by the Saber-Toothed Gandor Ferrets of Jupiter. Without the President's support of the Interceptor Program, our planet would have been overrun several years ago by these demons, who have a history of forcing their enslaved captives to wear nipple rings made of strawberry Twizzlers."
(Associated Press) Scoffing at critics who claim that playing a World Series game in Denver on a Saturday night in late October -- when the temperature is expected to dip to 40 degrees -- is the height of lunacy, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig came out swinging at a press conference on Friday. Claiming that professional ball players are "manly men" who are not intimidated by the prospect of a little frostbite, the Commissioner indicated his intention to watch the entire game with his pants down and his exposed genitalia resting in a small plastic bowl filled with ice cubes. "I would never ask our players to do anything that I wouldn't do," the feisty Selig asserted.
CONDI STEPS UP TO THE PLATE -- YOU GO, GIRL! (Reuters) On Tuesday, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called for tighter regulation of private security contractors in Iraq (no joke). She told reporters that "way too many folks are finding out what groups like Blackwater are actually doing over there. Contractors need to be more careful when it comes to covering their tracks. Beating the living shit out of a bunch of Iraqi civilians is one thing -- I have absolutely no problem with that -- but failing to do so in a discreet fashion is another. When I was Provost at Stanford and sabotaged the tenure applications of faculty members I didn't like, do you think I left a sniffable trail? Hell no, Joe. C'mon, Blackwater, show a little finesse!"
(Associated Press, Oct. 19) Republican Mitt Romney's Presidential prospects took a decided turn for the better on Friday, when the Celestial News Bureau announced that God had chosen Mormonism as the World's One True Religion for 2008. The Supreme Being told reporters that "I love the buttoned-down wackiness of these folks. On the one hand, is there a more white-bread name for a founder than Joseph Smith? On the other, just look under the hood of a Mormon temple and what do you find? A bunch of lusty guys and gals who, when left to their own devices, embrace polygamy like Colonel Sanders hugging an Extra Crispy chicken breast." The Mormon faith will replace 2007's One True Religion, Zorastrianism, on January 1st.
SCIENTISTS PRODUCE WORLD'S LARGEST EGO (From the Associated Press, Oct. 15) In an underground research facility spanning more than four football fields, physicists from the California Institute of Technology have built a Superconducting SuperCollider (SSC) that has generated the most powerful ego ever observed in captivity. Located in an undisclosed location in the Arizona desert, the SSC works by smashing together DNA samples from white male Harvard and Yale tenured faculty members at supersonic speeds. The collisions create, in the words of Cal Tech Distinguished Professor Buford Ranson, "the essence of an ego so huge that, when it breaks wind, it attempts to bottle the expelled gas and sell it as air freshener. Now THAT'S chutzpah!" Pfizer Pharmaceuticals has expressed an interest in working with the Cal Tech research team to create a wonder drug, combining Viagra with ego essence. Tentative name for the new product: Redwood.
JOE TORRE AND GOD: ON THE SAME TEAM? Should Joe Torre be retained as manager of the New York Yankees? The National Council of Churches thinks so. In a press conference Friday afternoon in Manhattan, Council President Reverend Michael Livingston announced that the organization's Governing Board had voted unanimously to support Torre. "God wants Joe Torre to continue managing the Yankees, and so do we. Mr. Torre is a great manager, but more importantly, he's a great man. We believe that he should be allowed to manage the Yankees until he dies, at which point his body will be assumed directly into heaven, as was the case with the Virgin Mary." When reporters asked Reverend Livingston about the appropriateness of a religious organization attempting to influence personnel decisions in professional sports, he responded, "We will do whatever it takes prevent Tony LaRussa from managing the Yankees. It's not like we're demanding that children be forced to pray in public schools. Athletes routinely thank God for helping them perform well. God is a big baseball fan. He probably watches 100 Yankee games a year. Isn't He entitled to express His opinion?"
FELINES, SCIENCE, AND POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: A PERFECT STORM?
Two unlikely allies, the North American Cat Fanciers Association and the National Academy of Science, made a joint appearance before the U.S. Supreme Court earlier today. Their goal: to remove the proverb, "There's more than one way to skin a cat," from textbooks used in public schools. According to NACFA spokeswoman Doris Gupton-Wickett, "It is astonishing that the horrific imagery contained in this saying has gone unchallenged for so many years. Just think what would happen if a public figure said, 'There's more than one way to skin a Norwegian.' The protests would be deafening! Do cats deserve less consideration than a group of foreigners who talk with a weird accent? I don't think so." In a separate brief, the NAS argued that there is no empirical evidence indicating that there is, in fact, more than one way to skin a cat. Speaking for the Academy, Princeton University Professor C. Douglas Klaven reported that a recent study of over 7500 deceased cats in the United States and Canada found that they had all been skinned the same way.
WHEN I AM KING.... ......only Major League Baseball teams named after cities will be allowed to play in the post-season. Teams like the Arizona Diamondbacks, Colorado Rockies, and Florida Marlins will be out of luck. I'm sorry, but I just can't take these teams seriously, no matter how many games they win. This year, I am declaring the winner of the Boston-Cleveland series as World Series Champions by default. The same goes for the National Football League. The Tennessee Titans? The Carolina Panthers? The Arizona Cardinals? The New England Patriots? No more playoffs for them. Please don't try to change my mind. I've thought a lot about all of this, and I know I'm doing the right thing.
REVEREND SHARPTON AND THE FREEDOM TRAIN OF AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMANHOOD: GET ON BOARD!
The Reverend Al Sharpton is on a roll. Several months ago, he called for the resignation of radio personality Don Imus after the latter insulted members of the women's basketball team at Rutgers. A couple of days ago, he demanded that Isiah Thomas publicly apologize to all black women for his derogatory references to them. And this coming Tuesday, he will insist that Tyrone Simpson, a bus driver from Bayonne, New Jersey, treat his wife Maxine to a three-course dinner at Applebee's. Mr. Simpson recently complained that the chili Maxine had prepared for a family reunion cook-out "tasted like shit."
Compassionate conservatism took a particularly poignant form on Tuesday, when President George W. Bush announced that troubled pop star Britney Spears had been declared a national disaster area by FEMA. "With Ms. Spears recently losing custody of her two children, we felt that this was a situation where government intervention was clearly called for," the President remarked. "Ms. Spears will be eligible for up to $750,000 in rebuilding funds, and a team from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers will design and erect a network of impregnable levees around her mini-skirted-clad bottom. We've learned a lot from our mistakes with Katrina, and we're ready to apply that knowledge to help a booty-licious white woman with money regain her dignity. Please join me in wishing Britney the best." Count us in, Mr. President.
