TOYOTA RECALLS EVERYTHING

"If you have purchased anything from us in the past decade, please bring it back for a full refund," Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda announced Sunday at a hastily called news conference in Tokyo. "As they like to say in the United States, 'We have screwed up big time'. Yesterday I was about to get into my Camry to drive to work when the car took off without me, accelerating to 70 mph before it hit a man selling sushi from a cart at the end of my street. Very bad. Very, very bad. Now HE looks like sushi. Very bad. Very, very bad."

ROBERTSON VS. HAITI, ROUND 2

The Reverend Pat Robertson revealed today that most forms of cancer are caused by the pact that Haitians made with Satan over a century ago. "It's amazing how much human suffering these people are responsible for," Robertson observed. "And don't even get me started on how they've TOTALLY screwed the Chicago Cubs over the past 90 years."

MORMONS, CHRIS ROCK FIND COMMON GROUND

The largely white Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reached out to the black community recently when it sponsored a concert performance by Chris Rock at its annual Gathering of the Faithful in Salt Lake City on Thursday. As a gesture of good will, Rock agreed to remove all expletives from his monologue, including F**K, S**T, B***H, D***K, and of course, M*****F****R. As a result, "An Evening with Chris Rock" lasted approximately 7 minutes.

TERRORIST'S TESTICLES DISRUPT HEARING, DEMAND SEPARATE TRIAL

In a startling development at the arraignment of Nigerian terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab on Friday, his genitals demanded that they be tried separately from their owner. "We didn't do anything wrong," Abulmutallab's testicles screamed at the hearing. "We were just minding our own business, hanging around in his underwear, when this madman starts shoving a bunch of chemical crap into his briefs right next to us. The next thing we know, there's a rumble going on and we're rolling around on the floor of the cabin like a pair of dice on a casino table. We had no plans to hurt anybody. Hell, we just wanted to land in Detroit and get laid."

FIRST LADY, NRA ON THE SAME PAGE......ALMOST

"Get thee to a spelling bee" was the sentiment of many rank-and-file members of the National Rifle Association on Wednesday, when NRA President Ronald Schmeits said that Michelle Obama had committed herself unequivocally to the "right to bear arms" in a recent speech. However, what the First Lady had actually committed herself to in an address to the International Fashion Designers Council in Paris was the "right to bare arms." In response, Mr. Schmeits claimed that words that sound alike should mean the same thing.

HOMELAND SECURITY FUMBLES THE BALL BIG TIME ON NORTHWEST FLIGHT

As questions continue to be asked concerning the multiple red flags that government officials overlooked preceding Nigerian terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallub's flight to Detroit, the most damning piece of evidence emerged on Thursday. According to sources within the Department of Homeland Security, Abdulmutallub told a custodian in a restroom at the Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam that he planned to blow up the Northwest aircraft he was boarding on Christmas day. Immediately after leaving the restroom, the custodian called Homeland Security, and was told that he would need to provide them with the flight number before they could pursue the matter. The custodian promised to call back during his break with the requested information, but forgot.