NADER/McCAIN SCANDAL ROCKS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

(Associated Press) Reports that John McCain mailed a $75,000 check to Ralph Nader after the latter announced his Presidential bid have not been confirmed or denied by representatives of the two candidates. "We have nothing to say about this," said McCain's press secretary. "Leave us alone." A spokesman for Nader told NBC News Anchor Brian Williams to "bite me" when Williams raised the issue with him.

Sources close to Nader claim that the aging activist desperately needs funds to support his long-time addiction to Curmudgeon Cream, an illegal "street ointment" that produces the distinctive facial expression that Nader is famous for during interviews: a tortured grimace reminiscent of someone having broken shards of glass shoved up his rectum.

FOAMING AT THE MOUTH? CLINTON ACCUSATIONS GROW IN INTENSITY

(Associated Press) Seething with a vehemence heretofore unseen in the Democratic Presidential campaign, Hillary Clinton claimed yesterday that Barack Obama was guilty of plagiarizing himself in his public addresses. Clinton maintained that Obama used the phrase "Yes We Can" in three different speeches in Texas last week. "Has the man NO shame?" Clinton screamed at a group of reporters at a campaign stop in Abilene. "Or perhaps his brain is just deteriorating from all the lying he's been doing lately," Clinton wondered aloud. "Do you really want to send a crazy man to the Oval Office? DO YOU? DO YOU? Answer me, dammit!!! Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!!!"

Senator Clinton calmed down soon after being hit in the rear end by a tranquilizing dart fired by her personal physician. Aides indicate that she should be ready to resume public appearances by late Monday afternoon.

THE McCAIN/CLINTON TICKET: YES, IT COULD HAPPEN

(New York Times) In the most startling development yet in the 2008 Presidential race, sources close to the Hillary Clinton campaign indicate that the Senator is poised to accept John McCain's offer to be his Vice-Presidential running mate. According to a highly placed Clinton staffer, "Hillary is desperate to return to the White House in some capacity, and she doesn't give a damn how she gets there." When asked if recent rumors of McCain's affair with a lobbyist 9 years ago bothered Senator Clinton, the staffer gave a loud hoot and replied, "You've GOT to be kidding! This woman is married to Bill 'Where-Are-My-Pants?' Clinton. Bothered? Hell, she's just happy that John and her husband share some common interests."

WHEN PRESIDENTS AND PSYCHOSES MEET

According to a study that appeared in the October 2007 issue of the British Journal of Psychiatry, when mentally troubled people detect meaning in noises that sound nonsensical to others, they may be exhibiting an early warning sign of schizophrenia (no joke). According to lead researcher Ralph Hoffman, "Now we know why 8% of the U.S. population claimed that they understood President Bush's 2008 State of the Union address."

WHAT DO BEN AFFLECK, JENNIFER LOPEZ, AND PANDA POOP HAVE IN COMMON?

In preparation for this summer's Olympics, China is manufacturing odor-free souvenirs from panda droppings heated to 300 degrees Celsius (no joke). In the U.S. a similar procedure was used, unsuccessfully, in 2003, when UCLA scientists transformed boiled horse dung into the feature film "Gigli," starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. In the words of the movie's director, Martin Brest, "No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn't remove the stench."

GLOBALIZATION: UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL

Here's what I discovered when I undressed for bed tonight (no joke):

• My Rockport shoes come from Indonesia
• My Sears shirt was "assembled" in Honduras
• My Hanes tee shirt was also assembled in Honduras
• My Haggar slacks were made in the Dominican Republic
• My Hanes underpants hail from Pakistan
• My Champion sweatshirt was manufactured in Mexico
• The L.L. Bean slippers I just put on are from China
• And the Tropicana orange juice I urinated into the toilet a few minutes ago comes from Brazil

Unfortunately, there's no label on my socks.

WHEN GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE

(Associated Press) A convicted sex offender, Daniel Snay, recently won $10 million in the Bay State Lottery in Massachusetts (no joke). When asked by reporters at a press conference in Boca Raton yesterday to explain this outrageous development, God reminded those in attendance that "I am God, after all, and I can pretty much do as I damn well please. Don't ever forget that. However, in this instance a mistake was made. The winner was supposed to be a poor 62-year-old black man with chronic back pain in the Roxbury section of Boston. I have no idea how this happened, but I'll be talking with the dimwits who run the Divine Prizes Office on Thursday."

God indicated that He had no intention of taking the money away from Snay. "What's done is done. It just wouldn't be right. But I do plan to infect Mr. Snay with some very painful, beet-red, hard-as-rock boils on his private parts next week. That should restore some justice to the situation."

JODI RELL: MEETING BURGLARS MORE THAN HALFWAY

In a recent address to the state legislature, Connecticut Governor Jodi Rell indicated her plans to submit legislation that would make burglary of an occupied dwelling a first-degree offense rather than a second-degree one. This would result in harsher penalties for those convicted of such crimes (no joke). In a voice teeming with barely controlled rage, the Governor hissed that "the least these bastards can do is call ahead and see if anyone's home before they break in. I mean, all of these clowns have cell phones. Is is too much to ask that they use them? Hell, I'm willing to knock two years off the sentence of any burglar convicted of robbing an unoccupied home, as long as his cell phone records show that he called beforehand. I think I'm being more than fair."

Grin wholeheartedly agrees, Governor.

ROMNEY OUT, COUGHLIN IN

(New York Times) The contest for the Republican Presidential nomination is not quite over. On Friday, Tom Coughlin, coach of the Super Bowl champion New York Giants, announced that he's entering the race. "My team was not expected to beat the Patriots, and we did. I know what it's like to pull an upset. And I know that John McCain looks like an elderly chipmunk. And where did that wife of his get that cryogenically frozen smile? They scare the hell out of me." When asked by reporters if he thought he could defeat Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama in a general election, Coughlin snorted. "You've got to be kidding. Neither of those wimps would make it through the first week of Giants training camp."

WHY CALL WHEN YOU THINK THE LINE IS DEAD?

A recent study has found that the percentage of clinical psychologists who pray is higher than the percentage who believe in God. I'm not making this up. Feel free to supply your own punchline.

IMPROVING DEMOCRACY THE AMERICAN WAY

(New York Times) In the wake of Super Tuesday's primary balloting, the major television networks will announce a landmark agreement with the U.S. Elections Commission on Thursday. In November, for the first time in American history, the election of the President will not be determined by citizens casting ballots. Rather, a representative sample of several thousand voters will go directly to the exit polls, where they will tell researchers the names of the candidates they would have voted for, if they had actually voted. This will constitute the election, with the results determining the next President. According to T. Nelson Gufterson, News Director of The Disney Channel, "the exit-poll procedure alleviates the countless logistical problems associated with millions and milions of people leaving their homes and engaging in the outdated, anachronistic practice we call 'voting'. We've eliminated the middleman. We haven't removed the heart of democracy, only its appendix."

BROKEBACK GRIDIRON

(Associated Press) The final pre-Super-Bowl press conference took a decidedly awkward turn on Saturday, when Patriots coach Bill Belichick stepped more than a few yards "over the line" when expressing his respect for Tom Coughlin, coach of the Giants. Asked for his views of Coughlin, Belichick said, "He's one of the finest coaches I've ever known. He is one of the finest men I've ever known, or could ever hope to know. When I look at his face, I see strength combined with gentleness. I see confidence blended with vulnerability. I want to hold him close to me, kiss him on the lips, and bear his child."

Coughlin's face turned scarlet as reporters looked to him for a response. In a soft voice, with moist eyes cast downward, he simply said, "I'm a married man, Bill. I'm a married man."

VICTORY IN GREEN BAY PROVES COSTLY FOR GIANT TRIO

A recent New Haven Register article on the upcoming Super Bowl was headlined, "Road-Tested Giants Oozing with Swagger" (no joke). When questioned by reporters, Giants coach Tom Coughlin admitted that three members of the team had contracted a low-grade venereal infection after engaging in unprotected sex two weeks ago with 23-year-old Trixie Chardonnay, an exotic dancer at the club "Who Let the Dogs Out?" in Green Bay. All three players have been on antibiotics for the past 48 hours, and two of them should be ready for the big game this Sunday. According to Coughlin, the third player "is still oozing quite a bit of swagger," and is unlikely to suit up for the contest. "The poor guy can hardly walk, he's oozing so much," the coach lamented. "When the trainer tried to fit him with a kindler, gentler athletic cup the other day, we could hear the screams all the way back at our hotel. It's a damn shame."