The title of an Associated Press article on Monday's euthanization of Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro proclaimed, "To Many, Barbaro Was More Than A Horse."
How very true.
Just listen to Travis Stutt, one of Barbaro's groomers: "Hell, Barbaro was the big brother I never had. Woo-wee, did that horse love the ladies! Late at night I'd sneak back to the stable and take him out to the paddock, where he'd hook up with 7 or 8 mares in one evenin'! And while he was doin' his bizness out there, I was back in the barn with my girlfriend Lurleen, her sister Giselle, and their cousin Phoenicia doin' my bizness, if you catch my drift. Hot damn, did we ever more have a time! I'm goin' to miss those hoedowns, that's for damn sure!"
WHEN I AM KING..... .....individuals who announce their candidacy for President of the United States prior to the year in which the election is held will be shot. Individuals who are coy about their Presidential ambitions will be shot twice. And anyone who says that he or she is running in order to "return the government to the people" will be taken to the tallest building in town and thrown off the roof. The people will be waiting on the sidewalk.
On December 18, 2006, Grin was the first blog to report Hillary Clinton's engagement to former Secretary of State Colin Powell. Today, in a stunning announcement, Mrs. Clinton revealed that she has broken off her engagement to Powell, and that in July she will be walking down the aisle instead with Illinois Senator Barack Obama. After their marriage, the couple will be adopting "cute-as-a-button" John Edwards.
In a prepared statement, Clinton said that "What Barack and I have together is so, so special. Almost every evening, our joint lust for the Oval Office drives us to frenzied episodes of non-stop phone calls to donors that last far into the night. It's amazing. I never knew that politics could be like this. With Bill, it was always about his needs, not mine. But now, I feel like a natural woman."
After the Indianapolis Colts defeated the New England Patriots in Sunday night's AFC championship game, both the owner and the coach of the Colts thanked God for the victory. In a statement just released by the Vatican, Papal representative Emilio Soupansanwichio announced that God had actually been rooting for the Patriots, but had fallen asleep after New England took a commanding 21-3 lead in the first half. By the time God awakened, the game was over.
"God wishes to apologize publicly to the Patriots and their fans for this unfortunate incident," Soupansanwichio said. "In reality, God can't stand the Colts, who abandoned their fans in Baltimore many years ago. But God was exhausted today, having stayed up for 48 consecutive hours earlier in the week helping Toby O'Malley, a high school senior from Topeka, Kansas, obtain a perfect score of 800 on the verbal section of the SAT. God may be all-powerful and all-knowing, but He still gets sleepy like the rest of us."
Tonight I went to see "Letters from Iwo Jima," which tells the story of the Battle of Iwo Jima from the Japanese perspective. A few months ago, of course, there was "Flags of Our Fathers," which presents the same story from the American vantage point. According to an Associated Press article in today's New York Times, Director Clint Eastwood goes for a "three-peat" in the spring of 2007, when he begins filming "Stop Blowin' Up My Damn House," in which the battle is viewed through the eyes of a family of woodchucks who live on the island. When AP reporter Trish Thomas asked Eastwood if he thought a third movie would "trivialize" the tragedy of Iwo Jima, the director pointed a loaded ground hog at Ms. Thomas and whispered huskily, "Make my day."
According to a study reported in last week's New England Journal of Medicine, a convict released from prison in the United States is almost 13 times more likely to die in the two weeks immediately following release than is a member of the general public.
In response, the Bush administration announced plans yesterday to keep everyone in prison who is already there.
"It's the least we can do," Vice President Dick Cheney commented during an afternoon press conference.
The number of individuals who've died in Indonesia during the most recent outbreak of bird flu has reached 45, according to health officials. In contrast, the number of chickens who've been killed in the most recent outbreak of "Chicken Noodle Soup Frenzy" in that country is now over 17,500, according to CAN, the Chicken Advocacy Network.
"Until they stop killing our brother and sisters, we plan to infect every Indonesian we can get our beaks on," proclaimed Priscilla "Red Eye" Pullet, CAN's Minister of Defense. "This is war. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid, you soup-slurping mothercluckers!"
Every time I use my credit card at the self-serve pump at the gas station, I say "yes" when the screen asks me if I want a receipt for the transaction.
But I never do anything with the receipt after I get it.
I hardly look at it before throwing it away.
Sometimes I don't look at it at all.
I want to stop doing this.
I need to stop doing this.
I've got to stop doing this.
But I can't.
I don't have the strength.
This is a cry for help. Please.....there must be a support group for this problem out there somewhere.
Critics of the Bush Administration's plans for a troop "surge" in Iraq were put on the defensive today, when it was announced that the Pentagon has at least two back-up strategies available in the event that the surge proves to be ineffective.
According to Major General Roylston Snarps of the U.S. Armed Forces, the first strategy is a troop "throb," which, if necessary, would be followed by a troop "pulsation."
When asked by reporters what a "throb" or "pulsation" strategy would consist of, Snarps responded, "Believe me, you don't want to know."
