CDC DISCOVERS LOST VACCINE; PANDEMIC FEAR QUELLED

The Centers for Disease Control announced on Saturday that there is more than enough Swine Flu vaccine for the entire American population, and it's available immediately. According to CDC spokeswoman Sharon Stanton, "Approximately 389 million doses of the H1-N1 vaccine in our Topeka, Kansas warehouse had been mislabeled by a dyslexic clerk as N1-H1 vaccine. Everything's fine now. Sorry."

AFGHAN TERRORISTS FACE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

Taliban leaders held an emergency meeting in Kabul on Tuesday in a frantic effort to remember what they're so pissed off about. "We know we hate everybody, especially women, but for the life of us we can't recall why," lamented Kefezzi al-Gnocchi, a spokesman for the group. "We realized that we needed such a meeting when, just before he detonated himself in a crowded marketplace on Monday, one of our most dedicated 14-year-old suicide bombers asked if he could just go to high school instead and get laid."

BOMBATHON '09 PROMISES TO BE BEST EVER

Over 3500 suicide bombers from Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan will gather in Kabul in November for Bombathon '09, a two-day explosion fest to benefit widows and children of suicide bombers who will blow themselves up at Bombathon '09. "I hope to have many good people sponsor me," said Al-Bara del Monte, a soft-spoken 24-year-old father of three from Islamabad. "For every $100 you pledge, I will add two sticks of dynamite to my Boom-Boom Vest. I want my wife and children to be well taken of. I am going to detonate myself in an empty parking lot, so no one will be hurt except me. I represent a new generation of suicide bombers. We are not evil; we are just really, really stupid."

NARA HONORS GLENN BECK

NARA, the National Association for the Recognition of A**holes, has awarded FOX Network commentator Glenn Beck its 2009 Man of the Year Award. "Mr. Beck is richly deserving of this honor," announced NARA spokesman Gretchen Kaufman. "He thinks like an a**hole, he talks like an a**hole, and he has that sphincter-like physical appearance that only a true a**hole can achieve. The vote of the Governing Board was unanimous, and there's no reason to believe that Mr. Beck won't be voted our Man of the Year again in 2010. He is, quite simply, the quintessential a**hole."

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

The Brussels-based International Association of Humor, the governing body for satirists world-wide, has invoked its "Shooting Fish in a Barrel" rule, declaring a moratorium on all jokes referencing David Letterman for a period not to last beyond October 12th. As Chief Editor of Grin, I plan to abide by this directive.

WHO GIVES A FLYIN' PUCK?

The Washington Capitals defeated the Boston Bruins on Thursday night as the National Hockey League opened its 2009-2010 season. Rumors that someone actually cared that the NHL season had begun were circulating during the game, but were found to be false.