AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FROZEN ZIPPER PROBLEM

Iceland has 25 psychiatrists for every 100,000 citizens, the highest ratio in the world (no joke). When asked to account for this startling statistic, Dr. Froost Stoofen, Director of the Sulfur Springs Mental Health Clinic in Reykjavik, responded, "What is there to explain? The summers here are so cold that the nipples of polar bears freeze over and your ear wax crystallizes. Ever tried having sex when you're wearing a full-body L.L. Bean hooded parka and tundra boots? And I'm not even referring to having sex with somebody else! It's all so damn depressing. You wanna go get a drink?"