BUT DO THE WAFERS GET STALE? (Associated Press) On May 13th of this year, approximately 150,000 Brazilians attended a Mass celebrated by Pope Benedict XVI in Aparecida (no joke). The Vatican has just announced that the communion portion of the service concluded this morning, December 26th, at 8:15 am Brazilian time. According to Vatican researchers, this represents the longest communion service in the history of the Catholic Church: 7 months and 13 days. During this period, 72 of the faithful starved to death while waiting in line. "That's the bad news," commented Papal spokesman Cardinal Farnutti Suropinyata. "The good news is that 28 babies were born to women in that line, and 139 women became pregnant. It was incredible! This was our Woodstock! On Christmas eve, we actually helicoptered Prince in to play a set for the crowd. Does it get any better than this? Little Red Corvette RULES!!!"
Neighbors of Vladimir Putin have expressed surprise over the naming of the Russian leader as "Person of the Year" by TIME magazine. Yakov Dorsk, an electrician who lives next door to Putin in Moscow, observed that "He's always been a quiet, keep-to-himself kind of guy. He'll wave to you when he picks up his paper in front of the house in the morning, but that's about it." Natasha Markov, a beautician who resides two houses down from Putin, didn't realize that he worked in government. "He's the President? I never would have guessed! I did his nails about 4 months ago. He takes good care of them. Never dirty, never split, great cuticles. Doesn't talk much. Sometimes he stares at my breasts while I'm filing, and that makes me a little nervous. But he's OK." A less complimentary view was shared by Boris Mischev, a retired postal employee who lives across the street from Putin. "His head looks like a peeled potato that's been boiled. He had my dog Tovol arrested in August for urinating on his car, and I haven't seen him since. They tell me that Tovol is being held in Minsk for 'questioning about the activities of certain canines of interest.' You know what I say? BULLSHIT on you, Vladimir Puti-man!!"
(Associated Press) On Thursday, Republican Presidential candidate Tom Tancredo will announce his withdrawal from the race. Public support for the Colorado Congressman plummeted in the past week, after he proposed "drive-thru deliveries" as a means of reducing hospital costs associated with childbirth to low-income women. In an address to the National Society of Obstetricians in Dallas on December 14th, Tancredo recommended that fast-food establishments in poor neighborhoods be retrofitted so that the first take-out window could be used by physicians to deliver babies directly from the car: Mothers-to-be would position themselves in the back seat of the vehicle so that the doctor (or midwife) could simply reach in and gently pull the baby out. The car's driver would then proceed to the second take-out window, where the infant, hosed down and diapered, would be returned to the happy mom. Tancredo became a national laughingstock when the General Accounting Office reported that 73% of low-income women do not own a car and cannot afford cab fare.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DOUBLE-MAJOR IN CRIMINOLOGY AND ECONOMICS, BUT FAIL TO BUY THE TEXTBOOKS
In an attempt to reduce gun-related violence in New Haven, city officials are offering Wal-Mart gift cards, worth $100 each, to residents who turn in handguns to the Police Department (no joke). Not to be outdone, Bridgeport is offering a 2007 sky-blue Hummer to each one of the first 50 residents of that city who surrenders a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher. And in Hartford, a six-day Carnival cruise to Antigua awaits the lucky citizen who discloses the exact whereabouts of Frankie "Freckles" O'Malley, who was last seen being tossed into the Connecticut River by his ex-wife Moira and the Finnegan brothers.
FINALLY: A FEEL-GOOD STORY ABOUT DRUGS IN THE INNER-CITY
Did you know that selling crack cocaine gets you a longer prison sentence than selling an equivalent amount of cocaine in its powdered form? Well, it does, and this has resulted in more jail time for convicted black drug-dealers than white drug-dealers, because the former are more likely to sell crack than the latter (no joke). This injustice may soon be remedied, however, due to an innovative program funded by the Ford Foundation to the tune of $57 million over the next three years. The initiative, dubbed "Operation Talcum," will provide inner-city black youth in 25 metropolitan areas with training in the marketing and distribution of powdered cocaine. According to Tiffany van Wyssen, Vice President for Urban Affairs at the Foundation, "Our goal is to have black drug dealers selling as much powdered cocaine as white dealers by the year 2011. We believe Operation Talcum can accomplish this. If the United States is truly committed to racial equality in the 21st century, we can ill afford to settle for less." Grin wholeheartedly agrees.
Michael Vick was sentenced early Monday to 23 months in jail for his involvement in a dogfighting operation. Later that afternoon, Skippy O'Shea, a rabid cocker spaniel with an eye patch from Ogden, Utah, received 5 years in the same prison for biting off the nose of a 12-year-old-boy who had been poking him in the ribs with a sharpened stick. Let's hope that Michael and Skippy meet up in the "yard" sometime.Grin's money is on the Skipster.
(Associated Press) In a press conference held early this morning in Tampa, Florida, the Communications Office of the Supreme Being of the Universe announced the first change in post-death living arrangements for humans in over 2000 years. Southpoint Towers, located midway between Purgatory and Hell, will be open for occupancy beginning in March 2008. The Towers will be reserved for individuals who, during their lives, did really bad things not because they were bad people, but because they were hopelessly confused about what was good.
According to Communications Office Spokesangel Tyrell Hawkins, "Southpoint Towers is a lot like a facility for the criminally insane on earth, except that it will be more punitive. For example, we'll probably be getting a lot of folks who were members of the National Rifle Association (NRA) when they were alive. In the Towers they won't burn for eternity like the hell-dwellers, but they will be tied naked to metal chairs in playrooms filled with 6-year-old boys of low IQ who are high on crack and have unlimited access to loaded handguns and AK-47s. It's all about fairness, you know."
Residents of Southpoint Towers will be allowed to apply for additional medical insurance at a nominal cost (Dead-Plus Coverage).
A FEW SENTENCES FROM GOD As faithful readers know, Grin is the only blog in North America that features a Question-and-Answer section with God. Today's query is from Timmy McAllister, a 9-year-old from Duluth, Minnesota: "Dear God: What do you like to do in your spare time? Do you have any hobbies?" God's email response (via AOL): "Great question, Timmy. I can see that a smart young man like yourself is going to go far in life. Of course, being God, it's not surprising that I would know that. I know everything! (Ha-ha). Now to your question: When you're running an entire universe there's not a lot of free time. But whenever I get a chance I relax by watching college football in the fall and dog shows the rest of the year. My only serious hobby is creating natural disasters. A good natural disaster is a work of art, in my opinion. I realize this sounds horrible, but I absolutely loved producing that tsunami that wiped out Sri Lanka a few years ago. I worked on that project for over six months. Hurricane Katrina also turned out well, but I can't take full credit for that one. It helped a lot that the levees weren't high enough and that FEMA is run by government officials so clueless that I wouldn't trust them with my ant farm. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about all the lives that are lost in these episodes, but then I remember that people are having sex all the time, so they'll be replaced soon! (Ask your mom or dad to tell you about sex. It's way cool!) Right now I'm trying to put together a kick-ass earthquake for the spring. I can't reveal where it's going to be, but just between you and me, don't let your parents take you to Peru on vacation anytime soon. I hope I've answered your questions. Have a wonderful holiday season! -- Your Friend, God"
EVEL KNIEVEL: MAY YOU REST IN PIECES Body-smashing motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel may be gone, but he is definitely not forgotten. At a memorial service held in Knievel's honor on Saturday, his long-time friend, former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson, rode a moped at full speed down the aisle of the First Abyssinian Baptist Church in Abilene, Texas and head-butted the casket of the deceased legend. Tyson proceeded to sing Amazing Grace in Hebrew as 112 stitches were taken in his scalp by emergency medical personnel. "I did it for Evel," Tyson remarked before passing out. "I did it for Evel."
