DETROIT – Winds gusting to more than 60 mph knocked out power to about 413,000 Michigan homes and businesses on Sunday (no joke). Residents affected by the blackout expressed relief and even joy, as they were spared the pain of having to watch the wretched Detroit Lions lose their 16th game of the NFL season on TV. "Thank God for bad weather," exclaimed Flint resident Izzy Parbutti. "I hate that team; I absolutely HATE them. I was able to do something a lot more fun this afternoon: I gave myself an enema."
MINNESOTA ELECTION SOON TO BE IN GOD'S HANDS? Officials trying to determine who won the U.S. Senate race in Minnesota have recessed until the end of the year. Unofficial counts show Al Franken, a Democrat, leading Republican incumbent Senator Norm Coleman by less than 50 votes out of more than 2.4 million ballots cast (no joke). In a press conference on Tuesday, Minnesota Elections Commissioner Ervin Kirby indicated that the Commission plans to ask God who won the race. "God is all-knowing, right? And God never lies, right? So why not ask Him?" The Supreme Being is currently vacationing with the Holy Ghost on the coast of Spain until January 5th, according to Celestial officials. God's Press Secretary noted that the Commission needs to submit its request in writing.
WHEN I AM KING....... .......the word "awesome" will be reserved for descriptions of earthquakes and meteor showers. Using "awesome" to describe rock bands, vacation destinations, or the flavor of mango/chutney curly fries will be punishable by death.
TIME SHOCKS NATION AND KKK WITH PERSON-OF-YEAR HONOR TIME magazine has stunned the publishing world with its choice of Barack Obama as Person of the Year. "It's taken all of us by surprise," exclaimed Newsweek editor Quentin Clark. "We thought Charlie Sheen was a shoo-in, and if not him, then Dennis Kucinich for sure. But TIME has always pushed the envelope in this arena. Remember when they selected Donald Rumsfeld as Anus of the Year, instead of Barry Bonds?"
BLAGOJEVICH SOBS, EXPLAINS TORTURED PAST At a press conference on Monday, disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich blamed his recent troubles on his last name. "Just try growing up with a name like Blagojevich," the Governor lamented. "It sounds like a cross between a profane oath and a sneeze emerging from the butt end of a yak. Do you have ANY idea of the crap I had to endure as a child with a name like this? I'm surprised I didn't turn out to be a serial killer, rather than the arrogant little shakedown artist I happen to be."
SABATHIA STEPS TO THE PLATE FOR AMERICA CC Sabathia has accepted a $161-million, seven-year contract from the New York Yankees, the richest contract for a pitcher in baseball history. As part of the deal, Sabathia has agreed to bail out General Motors. "I am very happy to do this," the hefty hurler announced at an afternoon press conference. "Of all the generals in the army, General Motors is the one I admire the most."
In an exclusive interview with USA Today, O. J. Simpson claimed that he committed armed robbery so he could share a jail cell with New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress. "Plaxico is the only man I know who has a more kick-ass first name than I got. It will be an honor to be incarcerated with him. With me, him, and my Main Man Michael Vick playing on the same team, we're going to do some serious damage in the Prison League. I've still got a few moves left in me. Here, look at this!" Mr. Simpson is currently resting comfortably in the prison infirmary with a dislocated hip.
"FREE O. J., FREE O. J., FREE O. J." A rally to protest O. J. Simpson's prison sentence will be held on Monday in New York City, according to organizers. "There's no way that O. J. should have to spend 9 years in jail for a little bit of armed robbery," claimed Tiffany LaShute, a spokesperson for the rally. Protesters are being asked to assemble at 2:00 pm inside the AT&T phone booth at 42nd Street and Broadway.
BURRESS CONFESSES: "I DID IT FOR MICHAEL" Plaxico Burress, suspended by the New York Giants on Tuesday after shooting himself in the thigh with an unlicensed firearm (no joke), claims that he committed the crime so he could join Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick in jail. "Michael and I go way back," Burress told reporters. "When we were 8 years old, I promised that if he ever went to prison for clubbing a dog to death, I'd be there for him. Michael is my main man. I'll take a bullet for him any day, any time, any way, even if I have to shoot it myself. So what if we could put both our brains in a Dixie cup and still have room left over for a urine sample? So what?"
