BITING THE BURGER THAT FEEDS YOU? McDonald's, the fast-food colossus, has dropped the rap music artist Twista from its summer concert series, stating that it does "not condone or perpetuate derogatory language" in "artistic expression" (no joke). The action followed a performance by Twista in Bayonne, New Jersey in which he slyly inserted the following lyrics into his version of "Moon River," the song made famous by Andy Williams: "I be Twista, I eat no Big Mac; I be Twista, Don't want no heart attack"
According to a Reuters news release, top intelligence officials claim that "Al Qaeda's safe haven in northwestern Pakistan is largely inaccessible to outside forces and unlikely to be eliminated soon by the U.S or Pakistani military" (no joke). The main problem, according to Major General Edward "Sandsnot" Stubbins, is that Al Qaeda has placed a large and unambiguous "No Trespassing" sign on the door of its hideout. "As long as that sign is there, there's not a hell of a lot we can do. International law says we can't go in. It's a goddamn shame. We can look through the windows and see them drinking, playing cards, and urinating on pictures of Thomas Jefferson and Lou Gehrig. It just makes me want to puke!" You're not the only one, General Stubbins. You're not the only one.
WHEN I AM A KING...... ........people will need a state-issued license to use a cell phone in public, just as they need a permit to drive a car. I just rode an Amtrak train from Washington, DC to New Haven, and during the trip I experienced vivid fantasies of smothering a woman who was sitting three rows behind me. My plan was to hold her head down between the seat cushions until her body stopped wriggling. I was then going to donate her cell phone to charity. I don't think this makes me a bad person. The first class session in my Cell-Phone Training School course will focus on the difference between talking softly into the receiver and SCREAMING AT THE PHONE LIKE SOME F---KING MORON!
When asked by a reporter yesterday why he sponsored a grisly dogfighting operation on the grounds of his Virginia estate, recently indicted Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick responded with refreshing candor: "What part of the phrase 'Multi-Millionaire Dumb-Ass'don't you understand, Bro?"
UNITED AIRLINES: IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER One more tidbit from my recent trip: First-Class passengers on United walk across a little strip of red carpet as they approach the gate leading to their plane (no joke). All other travelers are queued in a separate line, where a standard-issue airport rug lies beneath their proletarian feet (once again, no joke). I think I'm going to throw up.
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP Tomorrow morning I fly to Chicago on United Airlines -- Economy Class, of course. As I was checking in on-line, United informed me that I could purchase up to 5 additional inches of leg room in Economy Class for just $22 (no joke).
For an extra $27, I could purchase unlimited urination privileges in the bathroom in First Class. And for $41, I could buy the rights to pee on anyone seated in First Class. I absolutelyLOVE this country.
Presidential contender Chris Dodd of Connecticut stunned supporters today when he announced that he would not vote for himself in the 2008 election if he were the Democratic candidate.
Senator Dodd was answering a reporter's question on farm subsidies for summer squash when he blurted out, "The more I think about it, the more I realize that the only reason I'm running for President is to get the hell out of the house and away from those two screaming kids of mine. What in God's name was I thinking when I decided to father children at my age?"
Dodd's campaign manager declined to comment on the Senator's remarks, and simply noted that "Chris has been under a lot of pressure lately."
Experts predict that suicide bombings in Iraq will decline sharply during the remainder of July and August, after an announcement yesterday by the Celestial News Bureau (CNB) that there are no more virgins left in heaven for deceased bombers to have sex with.
According to CNB spokesman, Archangel Izzy Marzool, "We have lots of women up here who've only had sex once or twice, but apparently that's not good enough for the blown-up nut-cases we're getting these days. It's amazing that these guys are being so picky; I mean, given the shape they're in when they arrive at our gates, it's not like they're the best-looking fellows in Paradise. Hell, I spend most of my mornings giving out prosthetic noses to these clowns."
SCOOTER'S JOURNEY: IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER
Amid rumors that President Bush may grant a full pardon to Scooter Libby, sources within the Administration indicate that the White House is also seriously considering presenting Mr. Libby with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, a Purple Heart, the Executive Branch Employee of the Month Award for July, and a $25 gift card to Blockbuster Video.
MOTORCYCLES AND GENITALIA: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK Scientists at Emory University in Atlanta have recently confirmed what many people have suspected for decades: the more noise that an adult male generates when accelerating his motorcycle, the smaller the man's penis tends to be. According to Dr. Hubbard Franklin, Distinguished Professor of Biology and Engineering at the university, the correlation is -.63, which is substantial. Observes Dr. Franklin: "For every 10 decibels of increase in engine noise above 90 decibels, the male's reproductive organ tends to shrink by an average of 1.5 inches. At 150 decibels, most male motorcyclists have virtually no penis left at all. What remains looks a bit like a used eraser on a no. 2 pencil."
When asked by reporters if a similar effect occurs with female motorcyclists, Dr. Franklin responded no. "In fact, with females the relationship is exactly the opposite: the louder the cycle, the bigger the woman's penis. Don't ask me why. I have no idea. It's weird."
