DON'T GO FOR THE GOLD, GO FOR THE LIGHT BROWN

Don't ask me how I stumbled across the webpage for Puristat (I can't remember -- honest!), but suffice to say, Puristat is a product designed for colon cleansing. You might be interested to know that the webpage provides a specific answer to the centuries-old question: What is the ideal bowel movement?

NOTE!!!! DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE QUEASINESS ISSUES.

OK, you've been warned.

Here, direct from the folks at Puristat, is the answer. I'm NOT making this up.

"The 'ideal' movement should be soft, light brown in color, not have a foul order and should float or sink slowly. It should break up when the toilet is flushed. Dr. Oz says it should glide into the water like an 'Acapulco highdiver' -- with very little splash. A plop-plop-plop indicates hard, dry bowels. Ideal movements should happen 2-3 times per day....When you experience this, you'll be amazed at how quickly your energy levels rise and your entire outlook transforms."

It's clear that Dr. Oz has spent a LOT more time over the course of his life staring into toilets than I have. I'm actually feeling kind of guilty.

It's 8:00 pm. Do you know what YOUR poop looks like?

AND YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT PLUTO?

In a move hailed by conservative scientists but criticized by left-wing university professors, the Wyoming state legislature has announced plans to repeal the Law of Gravity at the end of October, 2006. "We've got too many damn regulations in this state," complained Melvin "Dusty" Stickner, Majority Leader of the State Senate. "From now on, whenever we pass a new law, we're going to repeal one that's already on the books. Hell, it's only fair. It should be up to the individual to decide whether or not he wants to stick close to the ground; it's none of the government's business. One thing I'm sure of: most birthday balloons I've seen are a lot happier than most people I know."

The gravity repeal will make room for a new piece of legislation, taking effect in January 2007, that requires adult schizophrenics to own handguns. "People are always trying to take advantage of the mentally ill," Stickner chuckled. "Well, we're going to put a stop to THAT nonsense, goddammit."

FIRST TOM, AND NOW GEORGE

In a stunning follow-up to Paramount Pictures' recent decision to end its 14-year relationship with actor Tom Cruise, the American People announced today that they will sever all ties with President George W. Bush on September 1st. In a press conference held this morning by American People representative Millicent Thompson in Peckham, Montana, Ms. Thompson indicated that President Bush's behavior has simply been "too embarrassing, in too many ways," to justify keeping him in office. "If Congress wants to impeach him, that's their business. But I'll be damned if the rest of us are going to pay him any mind between now and the next election in 2008. We, the American People, will look instead to Yankees manager Joe Torre for leadership during this interim period. Now THERE'S somebody who knows how to get the job done. Just look at what they did to the Red Sox last weekend, and they didn't even have any guns."

President Torre is expected to name his Cabinet within the next month. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is likely to be replaced by Dallas Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells.

I HAVE ONLY ONE THING TO SAY ABOUT MEL GIBSON......

He's giving alcoholics who don't hate Jews a bad name.

SAY IT AIN'T SO, ROBERT, SAY IT AIN'T SO!

In the wake of last week's revelation by teen-heart-throb Lance Bass of 'N Sync that he is gay, Led Zeppelin lead-singer Robert Plant held a press conference this morning to announce that he has been a heterosexual since his teens. "I thought it was time to put an end to all the rumors," the still-sexy Plant proclaimed. "Although I've had sex with literally thousands of female groupies since the mid-1960s, in every country from Argentina to Zanzibar, I always denied my true feelings about these couplings. I would tell myself that I was just doing it because the girls wanted to make plaster casts of my wobblies. But now I have to admit, it was fun. A LOT of fun. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to come out of the closet. But if my actions today can help just one heterosexual come to terms with his or her true desires, then my speaking out will have been worth it. This is more important than my career, dammit! It's about who I am, deep down inside."

Not everyone found Plant's admission persuasive. Gretchen O'Malley, a 51-year-old mother of two from Lansing, Michigan, recalled having sex with Plant on the counter of a Burger King in Detroit during the band's U.S. tour in 1970. "I remember everybody standing around us, trying to order Whoppers and fries, and there we were, all tangled up on the counter, going at it like bunnies on acid. And the whole time, he was humming Judy Garland tunes! No heterosexual I've ever met does that! Look, you can still see the key imprints on my back from when I rolled over onto the cash register!"

When informed of Ms. O'Malley's comments, Plant declined to comment, simply noting, "I knew her as 'Starflower', not 'Gretchen'."