THIS IS INCREDIBLE!

According to my newly installed blog counter, there have been over 22,000 visits to Grin in the past 48 hours. While it's true that nearly all of those visits have been made by me, the more important point to keep in mind is that, for the first time in my life, I'm showing some initiative.

Gotta run. Time to pay another visit. Go Mike go!

BRAVE NEW WORLD

Well, I've gone and done it. I now have a counter for my blog. This means that I know the number of visits that Grin receives every day. Because my counter is provided free of charge by the Department of Homeland Security, it also gathers data on visitors. It's only fair that I inform you of the types of information about you that I now receive each week:

• How many times you urinate per day
• Whether you put your socks on first in the morning, or your underpants
• The number of times in the past month you've dropped an unwrapped slice of American cheese on a dirty shag carpet, and then proceeded to eat the cheese without rinsing it off
• Whether you've ever had sex with a partner that could be purchased at Petco

I promise never to release any of this information to the Department of Homeland Security, unless they ask for it. Please visit Grin often, so my counter's numbers are really, really big! Thank you.

REST IN PIECES, MY FRIEND

You might not recognize the name Robert Baker, but millions of chickens do. Mr. Baker, 84, died in North Lansing, NY several months ago. According to TIME magazine, he is the "food scientist credited with inventing the chicken nugget." This news hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. Maybe it's because I worked at McDonald's one summer many years ago, cooking French fries. Maybe it's because I always wanted a chicken as a pet when I was a kid, but my parents said no. Maybe it's because the process of selecting the dipping sauce for my McNuggets (barbecue, mustard, or honey) helped me understand the importance of voting in a democracy. Or maybe his passing just reminded me of how secure I feel whenever I have 3 or 4 McNuggets in my pockets, and know that hunger poses no threat to me.

Whatever the reason for my sense of loss, I want to thank you, Robert Baker. Your name will be remembered, and honored, as long as there are chickens and deep-fat fyers.

PASSION AND CHEESE

An Internet headline several days ago reported that "France announces plan to go smokefree" in the workplace. Researchers estimate that this policy could increase productivity by as much as 44% in French companies. Speaking in Paris, sociologist Pierre Feu-Feu noted that "the French invented the tradition of lighting up a cigarette after lovemaking. Employees who have sex at work are unlikely to continue doing so if they can't smoke afterward. They'll probably use at least some of this new-found free time to work."

Sad news for the amorous, to be sure, but it's nice to know that we can all look forward an increase in the world-wide supply of Brie.

AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT CALLING US "DUMBO"

The cover of the October 16th issue of TIME magazine features a full-page photograph of the rear end of an elephant, with the accompanying caption: "Why a tawdry Washington sex scandal may spell the end of the Republican revolution."

Within hours of this issue hitting newsstands around the country, a lawsuit was filed in New York City against TIME by the Pachyderm Rights Committee (PRC), an advocacy organization that monitors the portrayal of elephants in the media. According to PRC attorney Sterling Spackle, "Immediately after the Foley scandal broke, we informed TIME that the elephant community no longer wished to be associated with the Republican party. Elephant butts may be large and smelly, with skin that is grotesquely cracked and dry, but they're not nearly as disgusting as the Republican party these days. The editors at TIME were fully aware that, come November 1st, the official Republican mascot will be the saber-toothed jackal. There's simply no excuse for TIME running an elephant photo."

Tsk, tsk, TIME. Or should it be "tusk, tusk"?

BY POPULAR DEMAND, BUT READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

A number of Grin readers have asked me to comment on L'Affair de Congressman Mark Foley. I'm truly sorry, but I just cannot bring myself to shoot fish in a barrel. And this is a very big fish flopping around in a very small barrel. Furthermore,
I believe....I mean, it's my steadfast opinion that....oh, what the hell:

"There was a legislator named Foley,
Whose longings were quite unholy.
When he pursued a Senate page,
He generated much outrage,
And now he plays with himself solely."

Aren't you sorry you asked?

SNAP-SNAP, WHO'S THERE?

In response to a recent post (September 20th) concerning proper etiquette for interacting with women who display written messages or brand names on the backside of their gym shorts, Dave inquired about the "Exposed Bra Strap" challenge: tank tops that do not conceal the straps of the brassiere worn under them.

Fortunately, Dave, this problem has recently been addressed by the I-Triple-M (International Manufacturers of Mammary-related Merchandise). In a policy advisory appearing in the August 2006 issue of Bosom Quarterly, the IMMM recommends the following:

"When approaching from behind a female with EBS (Exposed Bra Straps), the male should gently insert his forefinger between the female's right shoulder blade and the bra strap, and then quickly pull back the strap approximately 6 inches before releasing it suddenly. The snapping sensation (and accompanying sound) will draw the attention of the female, giving the male an opportunity to properly introduce himself. When a male approaches an EBS female who is walking TOWARDS him, he should politely ask the female to turn around, and then follow the procedure previously described."

I hope this information is helpful not only to Dave, but to others who have grappled with this potentially awkward situation. I would like to thank Meghan and Gary, who served as fact-checkers for this posting.