A BRIEF HISTORY OF GOD 53% of Americans change their religion at least once during their lifetime, according to a study sponsored by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life (no joke). Commenting on the finding, God acknowledged that He has changed faiths three times during His eternal existence. "I started out as a Christian Scientist, but those people are beyond crazy. Then I became a Seventh Day Adventist, but they're nuttier than a bathtub full of pistachios. I was a Hassidic Jew for four months, but that was a trip to absolute Wacko-Land; I have NEVER said that eating a BLT sandwich is sinful. Where do they get these ideas, anyway? For the last 5 years I've been a Presbyterian. It's boring, and their hymns put me to sleep, but I can eat what I want."
In discussing the recent swine flu outbreak around the globe, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that the situation was serious, but that "it's not a time to panic" (no joke). He told NBC's Meet the Press on Sunday that President Obama was getting updates "every few hours" in his bunker far below the earth's surface. "The President will emerge when it's safe, and not a moment before," Gibbs commented. "Until then, Vice President Biden will handle all major policy decisions, assuming we can find him. He seems to have disappeared. If anyone sees the Vice President, please let me know."
BUT YOU CAN GET A HOT DOG FOR ONLY $25 The New York Yankees are charging between $500 and $2,625 per ticket for seats in certain sections of the new Yankee Stadium (no joke). When asked by a Daily News reporter if these high prices were motivated primarily by "mind-numbing greed," Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman responded, "only partly; the arrogance of unrestrained avarice also plays a role. And don't forget, we're total assholes."
HALLMARK SHOWS SOME HEART Falling sales has forced Hallmark Cards Inc., the nation's largest maker of greeting cards, to cut up to 750 jobs in its U.S. work force (no joke). But there's hope. According to CEO Willard Grafton, "If just 2.5 million Americans sent a Hallmark sympathy card to every one of those 750 employees, we could restore nearly 325 positions by the end of the summer." To encourage consumers to take this step, Hallmark is introducing a "No Frills" line of 75-cent sympathy cards containing the message, "Laid off? Deal with it."
GIMME THAT OL' TIME RELIGION! HarperCollins Publishers has released The Green Bible, a bible that highlights in forest green more than 1,000 verses related to nature (no joke). In 2010, Penthouse Magazine will publish The Burning Embers Bible, in which all passages dealing with sex will be italicized in fire engine red. In 2011, Hustler Magazine will debut The Deep Crimson Scriptures, consisting entirely of depictions of sex acts between consenting Biblical figures. And 2012 will welcome the first issue of National Geographic's Illustrated HotMama, featuring line drawings of David and Bathsheba playing "Twirl My Propeller" in a Jacuzzi filled with tapioca.
AT LAST, A SEQUEL THAT SURPASSES THE ORIGINAL "The Cougar," a new cable TV show in which a sexy "older woman" picks a mate from a litter of 20 younger men, debuts on cable this month (no joke). The ante will be upped next season, with the debut of the 19-week "Cougar II," featuring a real cougar that will maim and devour the men not chosen in Season One. "There will be lots of running around and screaming," promises producer Griffin Panchecko.
