STANFORD: WOULD GOD GET IN? Stanford's admission rate for freshmen hit a record low this year (7.6%), with only 2,300 candidates for the fall of 2009 accepted from 30,428 applicants (no joke). Dean of Admissions Richard Shaw was ecstatic, noting that "We've crushed the dreams of an incredible number of young people this spring, and we're proud of that. But we want to do even better; our goal is to admit no one next year. We are just too damn good. Nobody deserves Stanford. Let 'em go to Yale."
Michael Vick was released from prison on Wednesday (no joke). Dog Nation, the largest organization in the U.S. composed entirely of canines, expressed outrage. "The man is a torturer and a murderer," woofed Rusty, " a German shepherd who serves as Dog Nation's press secretary. "He should be serving a life sentence." This sentiment was not shared by Cat Power, a feline advocacy group of stray cats in the Northeast. "Vick was railroaded," claimed One-Eye, the group's Minister of War. "If a dog has electric shocks applied to his testicles, he must have done something to deserve it."
GOD DENIES SNUBBING OBAMA AT COMMENCEMENT For the first time in nearly 20 years, God did not attend graduation ceremonies at the University of Notre Dame. "It had nothing to do with Obama," the Supreme Being announced at a press conference. "My great-granddaughter Fran was getting her master's degree in Sacred Cuisine from Oral Roberts University, so I was in Tulsa, Oklahoma all weekend. Boy, what a pit that place is! I must have been stoned when I created it."
BUT IT RAN LIKE A CHARM Chrysler will shut down 789 of its dealerships according to a plan filed in bankruptcy court on Thursday (no joke). These closures are likely to have a minimal effect on sales of the troubled manufacturer's vehicles, given that the last car sold by any of the 789 was a pre-owned 1963 Dodge Dart purchased in 1966 at Charlie's Chrysler Tub in Topeka, Kansas.
MORNING FOG BRINGS RELIEF FOR CALIFORNIA FIRE CREWS "Now that we can't see the flames engulfing people's homes, we've stopped worrying about it," says Santa Barbara fire chief Cuffy Ganzer.
US DENIES 147 CIVILIANS KILLED IN AFGHAN VIOLENCE "It was only 146," claimed an indignant Vice President Joe Biden in a press conference on Friday. "One of them was a goat, and it was in uniform."
PRESIDENT'S RECOMMENDATION WREAKS HAVOC WITH THE MENTALLY ILL President Obama's suggestion that Americans wash their hands frequently in response to the swine flu epidemic has generated widespread panic among obsessive compulsives with authoritarian tendencies, according to a report from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. "These folks are scrubbing their hands right down to the bone marrow," claims Dr. Leonard Fitzmartin, Director of the Hygiene Division. "They're walking into hospital emergency rooms with nothing but bones and tendons dangling below their wrists. It's horrific. A lot of them are apparently using detergent for automatic dishwashers to clean their hands. Doctors are helpless. For the love of God, Mr. President, take back what you said."
