AND IT'S ALSO NOT TRUE THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY TWO SCOOPS EVERY TIME Burlington, Vt. - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) sent a letter last week to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, co-founders of ice cream icon Ben & Jerry's, urging them to replace cow's milk in their products with human breast milk (no joke). There is no truth to the rumors that Ben & Jerry's next three flavors will be Parton Pistachio, Mammary Mint Chocolate Chip, and Ta-Ta Tutti Fruiti.
BUSH SWINGS FOR THE FENCES IN REVISED BAIL-OUT PLAN (Reuters) In one of the most forceful public addresses of his Presidency, George W. Bush went on the offensive today when he announced an alternative to the $700 billion bail-out plan that the Administration had proposed earlier this week. "Beginning on October 1st, recycling of all soda cans will be mandatory in every one of our 50 states," the President proclaimed in an address at the annual meeting of the Divorced Hispanic Beekeepers Association in Scranton, Pennsylvania. "If every American returns just 10 extra cans per month, we can beat this thing. At 5 cents per can, just do the math. We're sitting on top of a mother lode of untapped assets, and right now all we're doing is 'fartin' on the pile', as my grandmother used to say. The homeless know what I'm talking about. They've been collecting cans and bottles for decades, and it's made them what they are today: the dynamic engine that drives our thriving cardboard-shelter industry. It's time to get our hands a little dirty, America, and save this nation."
AIKEN, CLINTON CONFIRM SEXUAL RUMORS 2003 American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken acknowledged today that he is gay (no joke). In a related story, President Bill Clinton said that he was not.
GATES STEPS UP TO THE PLATE TO RESCUE U.S. FROM FINANCIAL CRISIS (Associated Press) Bill Gates has agreed to buy the United States. After intense negotiations between Gates and representatives of the Bush administration over the past 48 hours, the Microsoft founder indicated his intention to purchase the U.S. for a sum of $63.7 billion. Gates will cover all of the nation's debts, pay off every mortgage that is in jeopardy, and subsidize any U.S. financial institution, private or public, that is in danger of failing. "It's the least I can do," Gates commented at a press conference. "At times like these, those of us who are greedy and smart should reach out a helping hand to those who are greedy and stupid." In January 2009 the country will be renamed the United Gates of America. The process of implanting MS Word software into the brains of all newborns is scheduled to begin in late 2010.
GOD CUTS BACK AS U.S. FINANCIAL CRISIS DEEPENS According to knowledgeable sources inside the Celestial Palace, God has decided to downsize the Holy Trinity to a Divine Dyad. "Given what's happening on Wall Street, we no longer can afford to support a tripartite CEO structure for managing the universe," God announced at a board meeting that included Buddha, Martin Luther, Moses, Joseph Smith, and Jerry Falwell. "We're going to keep Jesus Christ on the payroll, but the Holy Spirit will be laid off at the end of 2008. He'll receive an attractive severance package, including eternal health care and lifetime DirecTV satellite service." The Holy Spirit will be free to negotiate with other spiritual superpowers, and chances are good that He'll sign on with the Gandhi/Mother Teresa Consulting Group, based in East Heaven.
OBAMA REVEALS THAT HE IS NOW WHITE (Associated Press) Barack Obama shocked an audience on Sunday afternoon when he announced that he's running for President as a white man. "With John McCain gaining support among white women, I have no choice," Obama proclaimed to stunned NAACP members at their national convention in Topeka, Kansas. Up until a few days ago I was 50% black and 50% white. On Thursday, however, doctors from the Mayo Clinic implanted stem cells harvested from Caucasian comedian Jeff Foxworthy and albino politician Mitt Romney into my right buttock. I am now approximately 53% white, and will eventually be 60% white. White men of America, I am one of you now." Physicians from the Mayo Clinic confirmed that Obama had undergone the procedure. When asked if the Democratic candidate would suffer any ill effects from the operation, Dr. Winston Fried of the Clinic asserted that "the only discernible side effect will be a decline of approximately 20 points in Mr. Obama's IQ."
(Associated Press) In a stunning decision on Thursday, God announced that He was removing democracy from the United States on October 1st. "This 'Lipstick-on-a-Pig' controversy in the U.S. Presidential election was the last straw," God complained. "I give these yahoos a political system that maximizes individual freedom and the right to choose their leaders through reasoned debate and majority rule, and THIS is the way they use my gift during an election campaign? To discuss absolute, unmitigated, oozing crap like this? I'm sorry, but I've had it. I'm bringing Stalin and his boys back to the U.S. for a decade or so to behead a few thousand campaign media advisors. We'll put their skulls on stakes around the Beltway in DC and then let 'em stay there until they get good and ripe. I haven't done my Vengeful God routine in quite a while, and this asinine episode is a great excuse for me to get back in the game. Bring it on, you political dipshits, I'm itching for a fight!"
McCAIN REACHES OUT TO WHITE MALES A Washington Post/ABC News survey published on Tuesday found that most of John McCain's surge in the polls since the Republican National Convention has been due to increased support for him among white women voters (no joke). In response to this news, McCain has asked male voters "not to forget that I am a white man, and that I will represent white men to the best of my ability if elected President. Together, Vice President Palin and I will see to it that, after years of being ignored by our government, white people will once again have a voice in the Executive Branch. Let's make the White House white again!" The press conference ended when McCain became distracted by a propeller spinning on the beanie of a 5-year-old boy in the audience named Skippy.
McCAIN NAMES "COFFIN" CABINET ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico - Republican nominee John McCain said in an interview aired on Sunday that he would bring Democrats into his Cabinet and administration in order to change the political atmosphere in Washington (no joke). When asked to identify possible candidates, he immediately mentioned Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Lyndon B. Johnson, and Joe Lieberman. "But three of those four are deceased," observed interviewer Tom Brokaw. "There you go again, playing the death card," McCain quickly responded before nodding off.
PALIN ADMITS THAT PREGNANT DAUGHTER IS LEAST OF HER PROBLEMS (Associated Press) The slipshod vetting of Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin claimed another headline today, when it was revealed that the Alaska Governor, operating under the alias "Trng Vn Dnh," had tortured John McCain when he was a POW in North Vietnam. Palin worked as a Viet Cong interrogator for 8 years during the war, at which time she was also the lover of Jane Fonda. In English, Trng Vn Dnh translates as "Devil Woman with No Vowels."
