The world's most comprehensive legalized heroin program became permanent Sunday with overwhelming approval from voters in Switzerland. The United States has criticized the program as potentially fueling drug abuse (no joke). In other news, the Anheuser-Busch company announced that it sold its 10 zillionth can of Bud Light in the U.S. on Saturday. The milestone was celebrated in downtown St. Louis by thousands of college students throwing up as Keith Richards sang "O Holy Night."
THE "REVERSE PENIS" IS NOW ON SALE AT WAL-MART Astronauts tinkered Sunday with a troublesome piece of equipment designed to help convert urine and sweat into drinkable water (no joke).
CONGRESS BAILS OUT AUTOMAKERS, GETS REVENGE In a move designed to save the U.S. automobile industry while simultaneously displaying at least a shred of concern for social justice, Congress passed a bill on Friday that provides GM, Ford, and Chrysler with a total of $112 billion in long-term loans. In return, every automobile executive with the title of Vice President or higher will go to jail for a minimum of 5 years. "And we're not talkin' about them goin' to some sissified federal penitentiary for white collar criminals," remarked California Senator Franklin Robinson. "No, siree. These bad boys will be sharing cells with stone-cold drug dealers who've killed their grandparents in fights over use of the TV remote. They're all doin' life-plus-150. They spend 16 hours a day in the weight room. And did I mention they're lonely? You boys are going to be their personal SUVs. Have fun!"
MO, CURLY, AND MARLBORO Scientists are making progress in identifying the location of genes that predispose individuals to addictive cigarette smoking, according to an article in a recent issue of Human Genetics (no joke). As reported by lead researcher Dr. Travis Sturdivant of the University of Virginia, preliminary findings indicate that the "smoking gene" is embedded in Chromosome 431-D, right next to the "stupidity" gene and just below the "Three Stooges Are Funny" gene.
McCAIN LIES THROUGH TEETH DURING INTERVIEW, BLAMES POW EXPERIENCE In a Tuesday night appearance on the Tonight Show, John McCain told Jay Leno that Sarah Palin did not damage his presidential bid (no joke). He also claimed that having skin cancer had been one of the most enjoyable experiences of his life, providing him with a level of happiness that he hadn't known since the age of 15, when he was hit in the crotch by a flying Louisville Slugger that slipped out of the hands of Roger Maris at a Yankee game.
PALIN STRIKES BACK, SIDES WITH THE CONFEDERACY (Associated Press) Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has blamed Bush administration policies for the defeat last week of the GOP ticket (no joke). In an interview with Fox News, Palin claimed that "if George W. Bush hadn't gone plumb crazy and abolished slavery in 2002, we never would have lost this year. The Democrats would have been forced to run Hillary against us, and trust me, by the time I got finished with her, there would have been nuthin' left of that little twit but the cuffs on her pants suit!"
OBAMA DECLARES VICTORY, RESIGNS (Associated Press) Barack Obama resigned as President-elect early this morning, just hours after giving a stirring address to a jubilant throng of supporters in Grant Park in Chicago. "I just wanted to see if I could win," Obama told a hastily assembled group of reporters. "But it would be absolute madness for me to take on this job right now. The government is so totally screwed up, there's no way I could clean up the mess. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me, Oprah." With Vice-President-elect Biden indicating that he plans to return to the Senate, and John McCain claiming that he's too old to handle the long hours required by the duties of the Oval Office, it appears that Sarah Palin will be sworn in as President on January 20th.
