The 2007 Annual Meeting of Individuals Who Have Gotten Rich as a Result of Responding to Radio Ads That Provide Guaranteed Schemes for Getting Rich will be held in the unisex rest room at the Exxon Travel Plaza on Cypress Boulevard in downtown Tampa, Florida from June 16th through the 18th. Keynote speaker for the opening session: Willie "Greasy Pants" Mansour, Professional Whiplash Victim. Please register by June 4th.
On NBC's "Meet the Press" on Sunday, Democratic Presidential candidate Bill Richardson indicated that he is both a Red Sox fan and a Yankees fan (no joke). Mr. Richardson also revealed to moderator Tim Russert that he is both a man and a woman, worships God as well as Satan, and simultaneously lusts for and abhors nuclear war.
KEN BURNS WILL BE ARRIVING WITH HIS FILM CREW IN SIX MONTHS
Military historians have applauded yesterday's decision by the International Conflict Categorization Council (ICCC), at its annual meeting in Prague, to officially classify the current violence in Iraq as a "civil war." Displaying a degree of cooperation that has rarely been seen in their previous interactions, representatives of both the Sunni and Shiite factions had filed a joint petition with the Council, requesting civil-war status for their mutual carnage. In a gesture intended to show respect for the history of internecine bloodshed in the United States, the Sunnis have agreed to wear blue uniforms during hostilities, while gray will be the color of choice for Shiites. Furthermore, suicide car bombings will be replaced by "equine explosions," in which cavalry horses with saddles from the 1860s are propelled by dynamite-laden "rectal rockets" into crowded street markets.
"I think this represents real progress," observed Shiite commander Fazeel "Robert E. Lee" Zamir-Buzzoob.
President Bush stunned reporters on Thursday afternoon when he announced that all U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Iraq by December 31st, 2007. According to the President, "Given the current rate of suicide bombings in Iraq, it's virtually certain that every Iraqi will be dead by the end of November. What's the point of sticking around after that happens? I mean, it was fun while it lasted, but it's time to move on to other challenges."
U.S. soldiers currently in Iraq will be deployed in January, 2008 to the border between the United States and Mexico, where they will form a human chain to enforce immigration laws.
Former President Jimmy Carter has clarified his recent comment that the administration of George W. Bush is the "worst administration in history" in terms of international relations.
In a press conference yesterday, President Carter indicated that he only meant to claim that the Bush administration was the "worst one in human history." He noted that "astronomers and physicists tell us that life forms vastly different from our own probably exist in other galaxies and parallel universes. One might very well find political regimes in those places that have screwed things up even more than the Bush administration has done here on Earth. With that possibility acknowledged, I hope we can turn the page on this controversy."
The sweetheart deal that pitcher Roger Clemens has struck with the New York Yankees, in which he can miss games to spend time at home with his family, has apparently generated ripples throughout professional sports. The Associated Press reports that Peyton Manning, quarterback of the Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts, has demanded that he be allowed to leave the stadium at halftime to watch pornographic movies at a local Best Western Motel. However, Manning denies that his ultimatum was motivated by the Clemens arrangement with the Bronx Bombers. In the words of the star quarterback, "Hell, I don't even know who Roger Clemens is. I'm just a good ol' boy who loves porn!"
In a news release issued yesterday by the Celestial Information Office, God the Almighty announced that the recently deceased Reverend Jerry Falwell will spend approximately 112 years in Purgatory before being admitted to heaven. In a prepared statement, Almighty God said, "I've got a problem with anybody who has the gall to start an organization called the 'Moral Majority'. Who in the hell does he think is: Me?"
The details of Reverend Falwell's Purgatory stay will be released later this week, but veteran Purgatory handicappers predict the following:
Years 1 -- 17: Slow rotisseric burn over an open flame
Years 18 -- 72: Constant jabbing in right buttock with red-hot knitting needles dipped in vinegar
Years 73 -- 110: One-on-one conversation with Paula Abdul on challenges faced by the International Monetary Fund
Years 111-- 112: Latrine duty in Purgatory West Sweat Box Condominiums
Someone recently gave me a book entitled 1,000 Places to See Before You Die (Workman Publishing, 2003).
I'm frustrated.
I'm 58 years old. There's NO WAY I'm going to have time to see all these places before I die. Wouldn't it make more sense to call the book, 1,000 Places to See After You're Dead? That's when I'll have more time available than I'll know what to do with.
It looks like Paris Hilton won't be going to jail for 45 days after all. An Internet petition requesting that she be pardoned, with over 800 signatures, was received by the office of California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger this week. (I'm not making this up.)
In response, the judge in the case has agreed to void the sentence on two conditions: (1) those who signed the petition on behalf of Ms. Hilton must agree never to reproduce, and (2) they must be willing to put up for adoption any children they may already have.
In the words of the judge, "the fans of Paris Hilton, taken as a group, represent the most serious long-term threat to the quality of humanity's gene pool since 1417, when Kazmir the Lesser, the idiot son of the Grand Duke of Eastern Barcinia, cheated on his wife and impregnated a woodchuck. I am certain that the greater good is served by my decision in this instance."
The long-running TV crime series Law and Order (original version) will air for one more season, NBC officials announced today. However, as a result of cost-cutting efforts, the show's episodes will be reduced from one hour in length to 15 minutes each. According to NBC spokeswoman Kelly Carver-Dweek, the changes will be subtle, and are unlikely to be noticed even by long-time viewers. "The opening sequence will remain the same, with a dead body being inadvertently discovered by a civilian," Ms. Carver-Dweek noted. "Every week the civilian will be Jared Fogle, the guy who lost all that weight eating Subway sandwiches. And the bodies will always be found in a Subway shop. Then, after a commercial, the first suspect who's interviewed will confess to the crime. The detective who extracts the confession will execute the guilty party on the spot, with a single shot to the forehead. That means we won't have to show a whole bunch of courtroom scenes. It's been our opinion for many years that the part of the show focusing on all that legal stuff was a real drag. We'll be saving a lot of air time, not to mention a bundle in actors' salaries."
TURNING THE CORNER ON INTESTINAL ABUSE? A bill that would require chain restaurants to include calorie information on their menus was recently introduced in the Connecticut legislature. Although opposed by the Connecticut Retail Merchants Association, a spokesman for the Applebee's franchise says they would welcome such a law. "We already have a fully annotated menu that alerts diners to the distinctive characteristics of our items," announced Dabney Lofland, Vice President for Public Relations. "For example, our Mandarin Orange and Pecan Salad is accompanied by the phrase 'smart choice,' while our Mighty Burger -- a hearty sandwich combining pastrami, corned beef, a 48-ounce hamburger patty, and a block of cheddar cheese, all marinated in a smoother-than-silk dressing of melted Dove Bars and lard -- carries the warning, 'You eat this, you die.' Similarly, our three-pound Bucket o' Curly Fries, Pork Rinds, and Donut Holes appears with the notation, 'Only a mental defective would order this septic-tank sludge; have you no respect for your body?' As you can see, at Applebee's, we take our nutrition responsibilities seriously."
The Good News: New federal regulations, taking effect July 1st, will establish stricter fire-safety standards for mattresses. These regulations, approved by the U.S. Product Safety Commission, are intended to make mattresses more fire-resistant. I'm not making this up.
The Not-So-Good News: Many manufacturers plan to meet these new standards by filling their mattresses with asbestos. Horace Freckmeyer, President of the Beautyrest Company, vigorously defended this decision at an afternoon press conference, declaring, "For the love of God, everybody has to die of something! Personally, I'd rather have cancer take me down like a man than get barbecued in my bed, squawking like some East Coast liberal rotisserie chicken, because I fell asleep while smoking. Where's the dignity in that?"
