OBAMA ENDORSES AFFIRMATIVE ACTION FOR WHITES President and hoops enthusiast Barack Obama announced on Monday that he intends to ask the National Basketball Association to initiate an affirmative action policy for white players. "For far too many years, white youth throughout our nation have seen virtually no one who looks like them when they watch NBA games. The Larry Bird Era has been over for decades. It is time that these boys stop looking at their fathers with shame. It's time for them to stop thinking, 'I could never be an NBA star.' It's time for them to start believing, 'I can drive the lane. I can finger-roll. I can DUNK!' Yes, it's time for America to fulfill its promise to whites as well as to African-Americans."
FOR OBAMA AND ROBERTS, IS THE THIRD TIME THE CHARM? On Friday afternoon President Barack Obama was sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts for a record-breaking third time. Ceremony Number Three became necessary when a photo taken of the second swearing in revealed that Roberts had administered the oath of office with his left hand behind his back, fingers crossed.
WHAT GIFTS WILL SPRINGSTEEN BARE? Legendary rocker Bruce Springsteen is denying rumors that, during his upcoming performance of "Born to Run" at the Super Bowl on February 1st, E Street Band saxophonist Clarence Clemons will rip off the Boss's tee shirt, exposing both of Springsteen's nipples to millions of viewers. "I don't take my cue from Janet Jackson," Springsteen claimed in an interview with Diane Sawyer. "But I must admit, I am thinking about dropping my pants during '10th Avenue Freeze Out'."
SULLENBERGER NO HERO, CLAIM PEOPLE FOR PIGEONS (Associated Press) Bird advocacy groups across the United States are lamenting the avalance of praise that has been lavished upon US Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger, who successfully landed his plane in the Hudson River following a collision with a flock of birds. "What about the dozens of birds who experienced a horrific death in this incident?" asked Melanie Claystone, Executive Director of People for Pigeons, a Brooklyn-based organization devoted to pigeon rights. "This so-called hero sucked a bunch of innocent birds into his jet engines and shredded them into charred feather dust. Is that something to be proud of? How do you think the families of these victims feel? To whom do they turn in their hour of grief? This is an outrage!"
IN THE MIDST OF WAR, A BUCKET OF BUTTERED POPCORN BRINGS SOLACE Israel halted its bombing of the Gaza Strip for 3 hours yesterday (no joke) so that the besieged residents of Gaza City could take in dinner and a movie, according to Israeli government spokesman Mark Regev. "It seemed like a reasonable thing to do," Regev said. "We've been blasting the hell out of these folks for quite a while now, and the Gaza Multiplex is showing both Marley and Me and Valkyrie, two really good films. We hope people took advantage of the opportunity to relax a little and grab a bite at Applebee's after the show, because we're going to start bombing like crazy again pretty soon."
SUPREME BEING CASTS A VOTE FOR DISNEY WORLD A year and a half after Pope Benedict XVI approved a document asserting that Catholicism provides the only true path to salvation (no joke), God has commented. In a press release issued on Sunday by the Celestial News Bureau, God the Father stated that "it all depends on what you mean by 'true'. Catholicism is certainly not the most direct path to salvation, since it goes through Vatican City, which is out of the way for just about everybody except Italians. Personally, I recommend Disney World in Florida. Most people go there at some point in their lives, and you could do a lot worse than to worship Mickey Mouse. You won't find a better mouse than Mickey. He's related to me on my wife's side of the family. I once saw him bring a squirrel back to life that had been run over by a truck. I respect that. I could never get my son to do miracles with animals."
AirTran Airways apologized Friday to nine Muslims kicked off a New Year's Day flight to Florida after other passengers reported hearing a suspicious remark about airplane security (no joke). "We're particularly sorry that the plane happened to be at 25,000 feet when we forced them to leave," said Randy Burtell, a spokesman for the airline. "Please notify us if you come across any of these individuals. They probably won't be moving very much."
