WHAT'S IN A NAME?

In response to NBC's decision to begin referring to the fighting in Iraq as a "civil war," the Fox Network has chosen to label the conflict a "poofy little dustup among wild-eyed wackadoodles." In contrast, PBS has started calling the war in Iraq a "a psychotic journey into the vortex of madness led by the Devil Doll from Hell."

CBS and ABC have yet to be heard from, though reliable sources within both networks indicate that they will continue to treat the "situation" in Iraq as an entertainment story with an "extreme-sports" theme rather than as "hard" news.

CAR WASH

Today I got my car washed. Getting your car washed used to be pretty simple. You paid a set fee, and then they washed your car.

Not any more. The number of price and service options you now have to consider before making a decision is intimidating, to say the least. Here are the choices that were available to me at Splash, the place where I went this afternoon:

$10.95 We pee on your car.

$12.95 We spray water, but no detergent, on your vehicle.

$14.95 We provide water and detergent, but only wash the hood, roof, and trunk of your car. (No doors or fenders)

$16.95 Full exterior wash, but no rinse.

$20.95 Full exterior wash with rinse, but we don't roll up the windows beforehand and we'll probably snap off the antenna.

$25.95 The Royal Treatment: Full wash and rinse with the windows closed, and a commitment not to break anything.

$30.95 The King's Ransom: Includes the Royal Treatment plus a flossing of the grooves on all four tires by a licensed dental hygienist.

$50.95 The Gold Standard: Includes the King's Ransom plus a colonoscopy for the driver and one passenger. A Splash employee will drive you home.

My suggestion: if you're over 55, get the Gold Standard.

DUMB AND DUMBER

For at least the past decade, scientists have tried to explain the gradual but steady decline in IQ scores among U.S. males between the ages of 15 and 30. This week, in a groundbreaking article in Science, a team of researchers from Stanford, Dartmouth, and the University of Chicago report on a number of studies that support the "Backward Cap Hypothesis." To summarize: the tendency of some young males to wear baseball caps with the bill facing backward is highly correlated with poor performance on tests of cognitive skill. At first, the researchers thought that it was intellectual dimness that caused some males to wear their caps like this (the "20-Watt-Bulb Hypothesis"). However, when they analyzed the data more closely, they found that cap placement preceded, rather than followed, the decline in intelligence scores. Additional research revealed the link. According to Dr. Starling Fleck, Professor of Cognitive Science at Stanford, "The part of the brain located at the back of the head is crucial for intellectual functioning. If this section is not exposed to sunlight on a regular basis, it atrophies. That's apparently what is happening to these young men. The reversed bill of the cap blocks the sun, causing the complex-thought lobes just above the neck to wither. It's very sad."

Scientists are desperately searching for a solution to this cranial catastrophe, but answers have been elusive thus far. Surgical removal and 180-degree rotation of the entire head, so that it faces in the opposite direction, has been attempted on a trial basis in several New Jersey hospitals, but results have been mixed. "It's a pretty messy procedure, and we lose about 85% of our patients," reports Dr. Fleck. "Most of the remaining patients figure out that we're tying to fool them, and they adjust their hat-placement behavior accordingly. We've also experimented with clear plastic visors on the caps so that sunlight can pass through them, but young men use black magic markers to color the visors, thus rendering the procedure useless. Right now our best hope is a piece of legislation that Senator Orrin Hatch will be introducing early next year. It would outlaw the manufacture of baseball caps with visors of any kind, beginning in 2008. The scientific community realizes that this is a drastic step, but the future of our national intelligence is at stake."

Grin is on your side, Dr. Fleck, with our hats on straight.

WHEN I AM KING..........

........anyone who puts up outdoor Christmas decorations before December 1st will be summarily executed. I'm not kidding; while standing in a bathtub filled with Poland Spring water and starving piranha, you'll be bound and gagged with a string of Christmas tree lights that are plugged into a wall outlet by an atheist.


Don't say I didn't warn you. This madness has got to stop.

GRIN, now with Vitamin C!!!

Of course, I am honored that Grin has been named the best new blog of the year by TIME, Rolling Stone, Elle, The Daily Worker, Golf Digest, and The L.L. Bean Fall 2006 Hunting and Fishing Catalog. But now there's even more reason to read Grin every day! Beginning with this installment, each entry of Grin provides readers with 100% of their Minimum Daily Requirement of Vitamin C. Using a new technology developed by the makers of Tang Orange Drink, the Grin computer screen delivers a laser-laden dose of Vitamin C whenever a human eye gazes upon it. Just think: you'll never have to drink another glass of orange juice again! All that time you've been wasting urinating can now be devoted to Grin. Is that cool or what?

Also in the works: a secretion device embedded in a mouse pad that allows Grin to provide male readers with industrial-strength doses of Cialis. In a pilot test of this technology in Florida, the results were impressive. For example, 72-year-old Jacob Snarkfollops of Sarasota writes: "My wife Blanche used to nag me to death because of the hours I'd spend on the Internet downloading porn. But now, thanks to Grin with Cialis, she actually encourages me to go on the computer! Hot damn, this is something else! For God's sake, Blanche, hold your horses; I'll be there in a minute!"

Remember Grin's motto: "It's all about you.....except when it's not."

THE END IS NEAR, AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GLOBAL WARMING

I now encounter adults who use the word "like" to fill up empty spaces in their sentences with the same frequency that gum-popping, twinkle-brained teenagers do.

Prediction: by 2025, individuals who can compose a coherent written paragraph and speak without embarrassing themselves will be found mainly in zoos and other protected environments.

You think I'm kidding?

SIZE DOESN'T ALWAYS MATTER

According to a study cited in the February 2006 issue of Monitor on Psychology, "Asian elephants do not show insight." The article indicates that, "despite possessing the largest brain of all land mammals, Asian elephants fail to glean the underlying purpose of tasks and instead follow training in a rote manner" (p. 13).

Thankfully, this finding does not apply to African elephants. For example, when African elephants were asked why it is important for them not to poop where they sleep, over 85% gave the correct answer (property values are lower in high-poop grasslands). Indeed, the African elephants interviewed for this study were dismayed that most Americans don't know that the mascot of the Republican party is the Asian pachyderm, not the African one.

MEET DONALD RUMSFELD THIS WEEKEND!

I will be hosting a retirement dinner for Donald Rumsfeld at my house on Sunday, November 12th from 5 to 10 pm. "Donald," as he's known to friends, is leaving public service to work full-time in the consulting firm, Misunderstood Men of Genius, headed by Robert Bork and the Stone brothers, Oliver and Sly. He also plans to join the Army National Guard early next year, and should be on the ground (part-time) with our troops in Baghdad in time for the 2007 Easter Offensive.

Please join me on Sunday in wishing Mr. Rumsfeld well as he enters this new phase of his career. In lieu of gifts, please bring a kevlar vest, which Donald will autograph and personally deliver to our troops.