A-ROD AND GOD: WHICH ONE'S PAYING FOR DINNER?

With New York Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez on the verge of signing a 10-year, $300-million dollar contract with the Bronx Bombers, sports pundits have grown fond of saying that "A-Rod will have more money than God."

Well, not quite.

According to the latest issue of Forbes magazine, a salary of $30 million per year would put the future Hall-of-Famer in 3rd place, right behind God the Father and Allah. Here are the 2006 salaries paid to some of the universe's major deities, according to Forbes:

1. God the Father $52.5 million
2. Allah $47.8 million
3. A-Rod $30 million (2007)
4. Yahweh $21.3 million
5. The Son of God $16.2 million
6. The Holy Ghost $11.4 million
7. The Daughter of God $3.6 million

The lowest-paid Supreme Being in 2006 was Gouda el Grande, a large wedge of cheese worshipped by residents of a small village in southern France. Gouda, who worked only part-time, made $42,500 plus benefits.

HILLARY AND BARACK, THE BALL IS BACK IN YOUR COURT

(New York Times, November 26) In a dramatic gesture designed to revive his stalled campaign for the Democratic Party's Presidential nomination, John Edwards called for a Handsomeness Tax today. In a speech to a herd of cattle and stray dogs in Ames, Iowa, Edwards observed that "good-looking guys get all the breaks in life. Now it's time for me and Mitt Romney to give something back to America. I propose that all extremely attractive adults pay an extra 5% of their gross earnings annually in federal income tax. Over the years I've benefited a lot from being a stud muffin. Hell, I remember trials back in North Carolina where women jurors would throw their underwear at me during my closing argument, and sometimes they'd still be in 'em! Even had a female judge do that once. Now that I think about it, two male judges did the same thing!"

A spokesman for the Romney campaign declined to comment on Edwards' proposal, but did announce that the Republican candidate would be coming out with his own Calvin Klein fragrance in January. It will be named "Win," and smell like the "sweet-and-sour sweat of a thoroughbred galloping down the home stretch at Pimlico."

"IF LOVING YOU IS WRONG, I DON'T WANNA BE RIGHT"

The bad news is that "hate crimes" increased 8% in the United States in 2006, according to an FBI report (no joke). The good news is that "love crimes" decreased by a whopping 14%. A love crime is motivated by intense affection for the victim on the part of the perpetrator. Perhaps the most notorious love crime of 2006 occurred in Cooper's Crevice, Nevada, where Mrs. Evelyn Stanky, a taxidermist, was convicted of stuffing her husband Garth and mounting him on the wall of their den. The legal problem was that Garth wasn't dead at the time. At her sentencing, Mrs. Stanky explained that "Garth told me he was going to the store to get some food for our pet ferret. I told him that I just loved him too much to let him out of my sight that night. He thought I was kidding and started out the door. That's when I hit him in the head with the microwave. I thought I had accidentally killed him, but I should have known better when he began screaming and wouldn't stop. I really messed up, didn't I?"

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE

People magazine has just named Matt Damon the "Sexiest Man Alive." In response, Morgue Monthly, published by the National Association of County Coroners, has selected 37-year-old Quentin Tweevely as "Sexiest Man Dead." Tweevely, a native of Mobile, Alabama, was poisoned at the beginning of November by his estranged wife Estelle, who claimed that Quentin had been "lookin' funny" at her teenaged sister Francine. Tweevely was nominated for the award by Mobile's Assistant Deputy Mortician, T. J. "Trixie" Tusnow. When interviewed by reporters, Tusnow chuckled lustily. "That was one fine lookin' man, that Mr. Tweevely was. Um, um, ummmmmmmmm! Makes we wanna holler out loud and smack my head against a bucket o' pigs feet. Lord have mercy!"

IS HILLARY ON STEROIDS?

(Associated Press, Nov. 17) Barack Obama shocked reporters on Friday when he accused Hillary Clinton of taking steroids prior to the Democratic candidates' debate in Las Vegas. "Just look at her!" screamed Obama, who was obviously agitated. "She came out of the gate in Las Vegas full of confidence, swagger, and sass. How could this be the same woman who was so meek and unassuming back in the 90s, when her husband was playing "jiggle the joystick" with Monica Lewinsky? Answer that question, why don'tcha?"

When asked exactly that question later in the day by Katie Couric in an exclusive interview for CBS News, Clinton responded with a defiant "What the hell are you talking about?" and proceeded to bite off the head of a live squirrel she was carrying.

PUT EXTRA MUSTARD ON MINE, PLEASE

According to an article in the July 1st issue of Environmental Science and Technology, Stanford researchers have found that sand at beaches all along the California coast contains "fecal indicator bacteria" (no joke), which is just a fancy name for "poopy-related stuff."

"And if you think that's gross," commented the leader of the research team, "you definitely don't want to know what turned up in the hot dogs they were selling on the boardwalk."

BOSOM BUDDIES, OR.....HERE'S TO YOU, MRS. ROBINSON

According to a recent article in TIME magazine, "cross-nursing, in which mothers breast-feed one another's babies," is making a comeback in the United States (no joke). Hmmmm. Have they really thought this through, I wonder? Will teenage boys of the future start using guilt-inducing strategies to seduce the "hot moms" of their best friends? "Gee whiz, Mrs. Bixby, it's not like we've never done this before!"

I sense an epidemic of sexual dysfunction arriving in the U.S. in about 15 years. You heard it here first.

MUKASEY: A MAN AND HIS MISSION

(Associated Press) Following his swearing-in on Saturday as the nation's newest Attorney General, Michael Mukasey showed that he is indeed prepared to take a firm, public stand on controversial issues. Although he still refuses to declare "waterboarding" illegal, Mukasey asserted that "skateboarding on downtown sidewalks is a crime of the highest magnitude. I will prosecute offenders to the full extent of the law and, if necessary, beyond the full extent of the law. I won't hesitate to use waterboarding techniques to punish these young punks. Don't try to stop me. Skateboarders are the types of kids who used to torture and make fun of me when I was a teenager, and as God is my witness, they will suffer now. They will suffer profoundly, I swear to you, and they will suffer for a long, long time."

HEY, GUYS -- BETTER RESERVE YOUR CELL NOW

In a new study released on Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Justice, a distinguished criminologist at Cornell University predicts that by the year 2018 every adult male in the United States will be in prison. According to Professor L. Duckworth Hobson, much of the startling increase in the male crime rate over the past decade has been due to men actually robbing themselves at gunpoint. "It's crazy out there," Duckworth asserts. "What's particularly bizarre is that some men attempt to resist self-robbery, and end up shooting themselves when one hand struggles to wrest control of the gun from the other. It's the damnedest thing I've ever seen."

WELCOME BACK, DON!

Controversial radio host Don Imus will return to the air with a new show in early December (no joke). As WABC spokesman Bert Twinkles explained in a press conference, "In view of the fact that all of our nation's racial problems have been solved in the past six months as a result of Mr. Imus being fired by WFAN for his insensitive comments about the women's basketball team at Rutgers, it seems only fair to give the I-Man another chance. This is not about making money, it's about restoring justice."

Right on, Mr. Twinkles. Right on.

GOD RENDERS IMPEACHMENT MOOT

In a move that stunned political leaders world-wide on Thursday, God announced that the Executive Branch of the United States government has been outsourced to India. Commenting on the decision to TV news journalist Diane Sawyer, God claimed that the Holy Trinity had voted 2 to 1 in favor of the shift. "We just had to do something," God the Father remarked. "The current administration is an absolute disaster, and three nights ago Tom Jefferson threatened to return to Earth on his own and smother President Bush in bed with a pheasant carcass if we didn't take action. The last time I saw Tom this pissed off was when Sally Hemmings broke a date with him to attend a James Brown concert at the Celestial Soul Festival in East Heaven."

The Holy Trinity has signed a one-year contract with Sinha Democratic Governing Services, a management consulting firm based in New Delhi. Should Fred Thompson be elected President in 2008, the contract will be extended until 2012. "There's no way we're going to let that clown serve even one day in office," God vowed.