WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE

People magazine has just named Matt Damon the "Sexiest Man Alive." In response, Morgue Monthly, published by the National Association of County Coroners, has selected 37-year-old Quentin Tweevely as "Sexiest Man Dead." Tweevely, a native of Mobile, Alabama, was poisoned at the beginning of November by his estranged wife Estelle, who claimed that Quentin had been "lookin' funny" at her teenaged sister Francine. Tweevely was nominated for the award by Mobile's Assistant Deputy Mortician, T. J. "Trixie" Tusnow. When interviewed by reporters, Tusnow chuckled lustily. "That was one fine lookin' man, that Mr. Tweevely was. Um, um, ummmmmmmmm! Makes we wanna holler out loud and smack my head against a bucket o' pigs feet. Lord have mercy!"