HILLARY AND BARACK, THE BALL IS BACK IN YOUR COURT

(New York Times, November 26) In a dramatic gesture designed to revive his stalled campaign for the Democratic Party's Presidential nomination, John Edwards called for a Handsomeness Tax today. In a speech to a herd of cattle and stray dogs in Ames, Iowa, Edwards observed that "good-looking guys get all the breaks in life. Now it's time for me and Mitt Romney to give something back to America. I propose that all extremely attractive adults pay an extra 5% of their gross earnings annually in federal income tax. Over the years I've benefited a lot from being a stud muffin. Hell, I remember trials back in North Carolina where women jurors would throw their underwear at me during my closing argument, and sometimes they'd still be in 'em! Even had a female judge do that once. Now that I think about it, two male judges did the same thing!"

A spokesman for the Romney campaign declined to comment on Edwards' proposal, but did announce that the Republican candidate would be coming out with his own Calvin Klein fragrance in January. It will be named "Win," and smell like the "sweet-and-sour sweat of a thoroughbred galloping down the home stretch at Pimlico."