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In a move that the Reverend Al Sharpton has labeled a "crass, transparent, and insulting attempt" to woo African American voters, Democratic Presidential contender Hillary Clinton has announced her engagement to soon-to-be-divorced NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal. According to Ms. Clinton, "My engagement to Shaq has nothing to do with my campaign for President. We're in love; that's all that matters."

In a possibly related story, Barack Obama disclosed yesterday that he has been living with Ellen Degeneres for the past three months, a revelation confirmed by her agent. When a reporter reminded Ms. Degeneres that she is gay, the popular comedienne and talk-show host scratched her head and replied, "Oh yeah, I forgot. Never mind."