SORRY, MR. V, YOU'VE GOTTA KEEP LOOKIN'

Michael Vick claims that he has "found Jesus" as a result of his dogfighting-related difficulties (no joke). However, in a public statement yesterday, the Son of God maintains that the former Falcons quarterback is mistaken. "I can assure you that Mr. Vick did not find me. What probably happened was that he ran into Penelope Cruz late in the day, when her hair was down and her five-o'clock shadow was beginning to show. It happens a lot."