FINALLY, A MAN THAT NEW YORKERS CAN TRUST

(Associated Press) With New York Governor David Paterson expected to resign later this week due to his recently revealed marital infidelities, the search has been on for a public employee in the Empire State who has not cheated on his or her spouse. The quest ended successfully on Wednesday, when Spencer Braxton, a 62-year-old custodian in the Capitol Building in Albany, was selected as New York's next Governor. During an interview with reporters, Braxton pointed to the front of his pants and proudly proclaimed, "I been married 40 years to Sue Ellen Braxton, and not once have these boys gone wanderin' where they shouldn't be." Indeed, the only blemish on Mr. Braxton' record is a 23-year prison sentence he served for a road-rage triple homicide he committed in 1967. "I paid my debt to society, and now I'm ready to lead," the Governor-to-be asserted. "And the first thing I'm going to do once I'm in office is replace every dirty, worn-out mop in this here state!"