FOLLOWING DEBATE FIASCO, OBAMA, McCAIN AGREE TO MEET IN GUN DUEL

Sparks flew in Tuesday's night town-meeting debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. Responding to Obama's criticism of his voting record, the Republican candidate called Obama "a scum-sucking, ferret-molesting, pistol-whipping hoodlum." The Democrat quickly retorted, characterizing McCain as "a pasty-faced, punk-assed, moose-farting dingleweed." As the two men approached each other with clenched fists, moderator Tom Brokaw stepped between them and was accidentally sucker-punched by a Secret Service agent. At this point the debate was terminated, and a knife fight broke out between the candidates' wives. Michelle Obama accused Cindy McCain of being a "bleached-blond tart with a soul of dry ice," while McCain claimed that Obama was "the raptor bride of Satan."