NADER/McCAIN SCANDAL ROCKS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

(Associated Press) Reports that John McCain mailed a $75,000 check to Ralph Nader after the latter announced his Presidential bid have not been confirmed or denied by representatives of the two candidates. "We have nothing to say about this," said McCain's press secretary. "Leave us alone." A spokesman for Nader told NBC News Anchor Brian Williams to "bite me" when Williams raised the issue with him.

Sources close to Nader claim that the aging activist desperately needs funds to support his long-time addiction to Curmudgeon Cream, an illegal "street ointment" that produces the distinctive facial expression that Nader is famous for during interviews: a tortured grimace reminiscent of someone having broken shards of glass shoved up his rectum.