WHEN GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE

(Associated Press) A convicted sex offender, Daniel Snay, recently won $10 million in the Bay State Lottery in Massachusetts (no joke). When asked by reporters at a press conference in Boca Raton yesterday to explain this outrageous development, God reminded those in attendance that "I am God, after all, and I can pretty much do as I damn well please. Don't ever forget that. However, in this instance a mistake was made. The winner was supposed to be a poor 62-year-old black man with chronic back pain in the Roxbury section of Boston. I have no idea how this happened, but I'll be talking with the dimwits who run the Divine Prizes Office on Thursday."

God indicated that He had no intention of taking the money away from Snay. "What's done is done. It just wouldn't be right. But I do plan to infect Mr. Snay with some very painful, beet-red, hard-as-rock boils on his private parts next week. That should restore some justice to the situation."